I am always in a hurry.
Or avoiding being in a hurry, not by slowing down and relaxing but by avoiding and moping.
I live my life primarily in one of those two states.
My dad commented once, in reference to my tendency on weekends to crash and sleep 10-12 hours a day, that I either have to be doing something useful or fun or I have to be sleeping. I can't just be.
Lately, I think I have to be just useful or sleeping. I don't really even enjoy fun that much.
If I'm not working, I'm feeling bad about not working. And I don't process my feelings well. A healthy response to worrying about the clothes piled on the top of the hamper or the junk cluttering the counter would be to clean them up. A healthy response to stress about school work would be to do it and stop worrying about it, recognize everyone needs a break sometimes and just take one, or, the best idea, stop doing and just be and pray and remember that "unless the Lord builds the house the workers build in vain" and "cease striving and know that He is God."
Instead, my usual non-working response is crashing. I nap. I veg in front of facebook, Pinterest, or the television and hate myself for wasting time the whole time I'm doing it. I whine, and I wallow. Somehow, I have the audacity to feel sorry for myself, which-- excuse me-- is a supremely shitty thing to do when my life is as wonderful as it is. I'm really a piece of crap to even dare for one moment not to rejoice.
The problem is, it seems to me, is that I let it get too far. I let the need to be "useful" and "efficient" drive me, refusing to do anything fun (because, like I said, I've grown into such a tighta--, that it's almost more effort to enjoy things than to work) until I'm past the point of no return. It's like I can't rechart the course. I just crash.
I kept thinking of this word speed tonight as I enjoyed, truly, giddily, kind of annoyingly enjoyed a four hour dinner with my friends. Like, seriously was hyper and laughed and wanted to be there and stay there.
I was sitting there, grateful for my friends, feeling my eyes opening to things I haven't been paying attention to, enjoying myself and wondering what is so all-fired important about speed.
Because, you see, speed isn't just about work for me. It's about life. I realize I'm only twenty-five. I realize I'm the youngest person in my school building and still have that "young" air about me. I realize, assuming an average lifespan is in store for me, I still have a lot of years left.
But I look at twenty-five and can't believe I'm already a half a century old. It's an idealistic stretch of my life-expectancy even to think anything I face now is a classic John Mayer "quarter-life crisis." I think about "Stop This Train" and actually feel myself playing "the numbers game to find a way to say that life has just begun." How did I get old enough to identify with that?
I don't know what I expected by twenty-five, but somehow I feel like I should have done something better by now. I feel like I should have figured it out by now. I should have the hang of things.
Maybe it's my slew of college friends just finishing degrees but off to hugely bright and amazing things while I'm still in the same job with the same undergraduate degree I had three years ago. Maybe it's the realization that I'm a Mrs. and that babies are a legitimate possibility in my life in the next few years, marking the end of this and the start of something that forever alters everything, the thought that I should make sure and do everything great in my me-life before it becomes a family life... should it become a family life? Because how much more could I do in life if I never made that forever choice...?
Maybe it's just my life-long fear of just being mediocre.
That's probably it. I graduated from my "small pond" as a National Merit Scholar and a valedictorian like I had dreamed, I graduated from my "bigger pond" summa cum laude (but just had to look up how to spell it, so how smart am I really?). I have somehow managed to achieve things like that, things that I thought would help me prove to myself that I'm not mediocre, that I wasn't just good in the small surroundings of Cocke County, Tennessee but that I'm really good. Everything I've "accomplished," I've accomplished at least partially with the motive of proving that I'm good.
And then I look at myself, teaching in a slightly farther west, ever-so-slightly more suburban place just like where I grew up, good but not as good as other people around me, certainly not the best, even in my new "small pond," and I wonder if I'm "living it right," if this is really the best use of my life, and I fear being mediocre. I mean, I can't even be as good as I want at teaching and taking care of a house and keeping up a few friendships. My prospects for writing the next American classic or having a teacher movie made about me or changing the face of education with my renowned research and practice aren't looking so hot at this point. Because, I'm twenty-five, and I haven't really even started anything amazing yet, and if I were to have any chance of achieving the kind of greatness I dream about, I should have already been well on my way.
And as I read what I'm writing, I see I, I, I... all obsessed like I've always been with myself.
I think my intentions are somewhat good-- I really don't want to waste the preciousness that is life-- but the problem is that I keep thinking, time after time, no matter how much it is proven otherwise, that the way not to waste life is to keep looking for ways to live it better, to keep forcing myself into improvements, to move beyond, to keep myself in check and barrel through out of the mediocre.
Speed.
Speed.
I want life to happen fast. I want to be everything now.
Fact: I will never be everything or probably even anything that awesome.
And I need to embrace that because fighting it and thinking that the goal of life is to be remembered for being useful, efficient, intelligent, revolutionary, great, whatever it is I think I have to be is getting in the way of life, and it is making my supreme guide for my life my ego, my appearance, my accomplishments.
Jason summed up my viewpoint on life pretty perfectly once. He said with me it's "ideal or no deal."
I don't like that life isn't perfect. I don't like that other people aren't perfect. I don't like that I'm not perfect.
But I have to quit slamming all the doors on everything that's not perfect, have to stop overlooking friends who aren't my ideal companions, have to quit skipping over things and people in my speed to rush toward some elusive delusion of perfect.
Tonight, I'm realizing I'm missing a lot by imposing my ideals on myself and everyone around me, my church, my friends, my students. And when they don't live up, I just don't want them, and I miss what's good about them... and worse, I build up more and more the lie that they're somehow not really worthy of more of my time and attention because they're not my ideal, like that's really the goal in life, to be Natalie Coleman's ideal. Pft.
I've got a lot of arrogance to get over. Lest any friend reading this feel the need to tell me I'm more awesome than I think or I really have accomplished great things, I will say this point-blank: don't. The last thing I need is more ammunition in the lethal artillery of "how great I am" I have in my head. Believe me, I have far too high an opinion of myself, my accomplishments, and my perspective already. Don't get me wrong-- it's not all bad-- but it's not God either, and it's in the way of a lot of things that are a whole lot better than the stuff that I think is so important.
I just want to remember that... which is why I'm going to try to lay off the speed and urgency a little bit and remember that no amount of speed will get me to the finish when I'm spending all my time running my own race with standards that I invented for a prize that only I think matters.
I'll probably be a narcissistic jerk again tomorrow, even if it's only in my head and people don't know, but I'm praying to be on the right track again and stay on it this time.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Watching Movies While I Work...
It's probably makes me less productive, but there's something about "multi-tasking" that makes me feel justified in watching YouTube, TV, and movies if I work on various projects, clean, or even walk on the treadmill while I'm doing it. So, while I've worked on sundry summer schemes-- organizing all of my mementoes from study abroad into notebooks, covering my classroom novels in contact paper, dusting baseboards, rearranging cabinets and closets, etc.-- I'm watching a lot of TV and movies these days.
Some of my favorites for anyone looking for recommendations:
YouTube (usually a treadmill pastime):
* VlogBrothers Author John Green and video blogger brother Hank converse via YouTube celebrating the awesome world of nerdom from classic literature to politics and from religion to viral videos. Their passion for everything from metaphors to mathematical formulae is contagious and much needed in the world.
* Lizzie Bennet Diaries Created by Hank Green, this adorable faux video blog is a modern day telling of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice from Lizzie's perspective.
TV
* Downton Abbey I don't get anything done while I'm watching this one. It is not for multi-tasking but for pure enjoyment. This British period drama is a PBS version of a soap opera according to my husband, and he's right, but it's oh-so-good, and I have no shame in being a bandwagon jumper and loving this new favorite.
* So You Think You Can Dance The auditions are over, and we're now to the top 20 competition episodes. This show highlights all the best and newest in dance and makes me wish I were a dancer.
Movies
* Shirley Temple This tap-dancing, singing, smiling, curly-haired star of the '30s and '40s has been my favorite actress since I was a little girl. As a child, I had nearly 30 of her movies on VHS, and now, thanks to a birthday present from my family, I have 18 of the essential classics on DVD. I'm making my way through many of them this summer, and I think my favorite so far in re-watching them is Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm. If you've never experienced the joy of Shirley Temple, I suggest it for a first film. It's also the movie that gave me the line "I'm very self-reliant!", a line that has always stuck with me.
AFI's Top 100 A while back on this blog, I set a goal of watching all of the Academy Award Best Picture winners, but I've since discovered that I'm more interested in the movies on AFI's 100 Years, 100 Movies list, so I think I'm going to follow it as my checklist more so than the Oscar list. Here it is, with the ones I've seen so far in bold:
Some of my favorites for anyone looking for recommendations:
YouTube (usually a treadmill pastime):
* VlogBrothers Author John Green and video blogger brother Hank converse via YouTube celebrating the awesome world of nerdom from classic literature to politics and from religion to viral videos. Their passion for everything from metaphors to mathematical formulae is contagious and much needed in the world.
* Lizzie Bennet Diaries Created by Hank Green, this adorable faux video blog is a modern day telling of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice from Lizzie's perspective.
TV
* Downton Abbey I don't get anything done while I'm watching this one. It is not for multi-tasking but for pure enjoyment. This British period drama is a PBS version of a soap opera according to my husband, and he's right, but it's oh-so-good, and I have no shame in being a bandwagon jumper and loving this new favorite.
* So You Think You Can Dance The auditions are over, and we're now to the top 20 competition episodes. This show highlights all the best and newest in dance and makes me wish I were a dancer.
Movies
* Shirley Temple This tap-dancing, singing, smiling, curly-haired star of the '30s and '40s has been my favorite actress since I was a little girl. As a child, I had nearly 30 of her movies on VHS, and now, thanks to a birthday present from my family, I have 18 of the essential classics on DVD. I'm making my way through many of them this summer, and I think my favorite so far in re-watching them is Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm. If you've never experienced the joy of Shirley Temple, I suggest it for a first film. It's also the movie that gave me the line "I'm very self-reliant!", a line that has always stuck with me.
AFI's Top 100 A while back on this blog, I set a goal of watching all of the Academy Award Best Picture winners, but I've since discovered that I'm more interested in the movies on AFI's 100 Years, 100 Movies list, so I think I'm going to follow it as my checklist more so than the Oscar list. Here it is, with the ones I've seen so far in bold:
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Journaling/Blogging/Praying through a Playlist 4: More Ocean Metaphors
"Something Beautiful"
by Needtobreathe
In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out
Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will you let me drown, will you let me drown?
Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees.
I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful
And the water is rising quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side.
Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees.
I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful
In a daydream, I couldn't live like this.
I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful.
When I wake up, I know I will have
No, I still won't have what I need.
Something Beautiful
Hey now this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
Cause I am down on my knees
I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful
by Needtobreathe
In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out
Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will you let me drown, will you let me drown?
Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees.
I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful
And the water is rising quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side.
Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees.
I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful
In a daydream, I couldn't live like this.
I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful.
When I wake up, I know I will have
No, I still won't have what I need.
Something Beautiful
Hey now this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
Cause I am down on my knees
I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful
"What Do I Know of Holy?"
by Addison Road
I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all, no
If You touched my face would I know You
Looked into my eyes could I behold You
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean
Are You fire, are You fury
Are You sacred, are You beautiful
What do I know, what do I know of Holy
I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees
m: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/a/addison_road/what_do_i_knof_holy.html ]
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean
Are You fire, are You fury
Are You sacred, are You beautiful
So what do I know, what do I know of Holy
What do I know of Holy
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame
And a God who gave life it's name
What do I know of Holy
Of the One who the angels praise
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean
Are You fire, are You fury
Are You sacred, are You beautiful
What do I know, what do I know of Holy
What do I know of Holy
What do I know of Holy
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all, no
If You touched my face would I know You
Looked into my eyes could I behold You
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean
Are You fire, are You fury
Are You sacred, are You beautiful
What do I know, what do I know of Holy
I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees
m: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/a/addison_road/what_do_i_knof_holy.html ]
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean
Are You fire, are You fury
Are You sacred, are You beautiful
So what do I know, what do I know of Holy
What do I know of Holy
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame
And a God who gave life it's name
What do I know of Holy
Of the One who the angels praise
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean
Are You fire, are You fury
Are You sacred, are You beautiful
What do I know, what do I know of Holy
What do I know of Holy
What do I know of Holy
Journaling/Blogging/Praying through a Playlist 3: Jesus Is My Only Anchor
First things first, thanks to my BIL and SIL (brother- and sister-in-law) for the CD of music they've discovered on NoiseTrade. There are a lot of songs floating through my mind right now and lots of ideas for playlist posts, but one of the songs from their gift CD is perfect for right now. It's called "Anchor" by Ross King, and I had already decided to post the lyrics and write a little about it before it had even played through and then it used the word "exegesis" and totally became a shoe-in for adding to the blog. So, second thing second, a shout-out to my "besty" Rachel, who has to be the first friend I've ever had who uses the word "exegesis" like it's a normal word to use.
That being said, my third mention of family and friends goes to Meagan Anderson, whom I thank for her comment on my previous post. The sermon she suggested entitled "Certainty" (Click here to listen.) had many great points, including one that sticks with me the most strongly: The first step in getting certainty is wanting to have it. The pastor challenged the members of the congregation first to consider whether they even wanted certainty. Certainty, after all, comes with a price. It comes with commitment. Change. Moving forward. I listened to that part of the sermon twice. He says something about not using seeking as an excuse to stay in the same place, and I do not want that to be me. I do not want my search to be an excuse or the place I stay stuck. His question was basically "Are you the kind of person who values the hunt over the finding?"And my answer is no. I don't want to keep floundering away hunting for things that are, as Ecclesiastes puts it, "futility and striving after wind."
Striving, okay. Striving after wind, no.
Psalm 46:10 the way most translations word it is alright, but Psalm 46:10 in the NSAV is so awesome.
Soul-searching notwithstanding, there is one thing about which I can be certain-- that God said "I Am," that He said to cease striving because He Is. I know I'm repeating my last post, but I'm fascinated right now with the fact that God Is and that He has taken away all my doubt of that fact.
Finally, last name drop(s) of the post-- Molly Hurst. Molly is one of my dearest friends, a best friend from all the way back in high school in Newport, Tennessee and easily one of the two purest, sweetest souls I know in the world (Katie Chambers Robertson being the other). Molly keeps a blog too, and hers is named "My Anchor Holds." The reference is to Hebrews 6:19-20 "This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil, where Jesus has entered as a forerunner for us, having become a high priest forever..." I am grateful for friends like Molly and Katie who remind me how possible it is to believe with assurance, to be anchored in Christ, unwavering in His love.
Questions, like rains and winds, may come. The tides of doctrine, tradition, and science, and even conscience may all flow contrary to the Way.
But, praise God, my anchor holds. And my anchor is Christ.
Anyway, here's the song:
It's bigger than your doctrine
Cause there's only so much mystery
That doctrine can explain
It's bigger than tradition
Cause you'll turn around and see that
All of your traditions have been changed
Hear what I am saying
All these things are fading
It's bigger than your science
Cause your soul cannot be saved by anything
That scientists can prove
And it's bigger than compliance
Cause even compliant people
Can be lured away from what is true
Hear what I am saying
Only trust in One Thing
Jesus is my only Anchor
Jesus is the only Way
Very few things last forever
And everything else floats away
It's bigger than your politic
Cause there is no policy
that rescues us out of the Shadow-lands
It's bigger than your rhetoric
Cause this is a living Word, you speak it
With your feet and with your hands
Hear what I am saying
All these things are fading
It's more than just your conscience
Cause your conscience may be clean, that doesn't mean
That you are innocent
It's more than circumstances
Cause when your circumstances change,
How will you keep yourself content?
Hear what I am saying
Only trust in One Thing
Jesus is my only Anchor
Jesus is the only Way
Very few things last forever
Everything else floats away
Jesus is my only Lifeline
When I'm drifting in the sea
Very few things can be trusted
Only one thing rescues me
We want it to be easy
To find the safest version of the truth
But we'll find out what we really believe
When all we have to hold is You
It's bigger than the words your preacher preaches
Cause I guarantee sometimes you will forget what you have heard
It's bigger than your Bible exegesis
Cause there are bound to be some days when you don't
Understand a word
Hear what I am saying
Only trust in One Thing
Jesus is my only Anchor
Jesus is the only Way
Very few things last forever
Everything else floats away
Jesus is my only Lifeline
When I'm drifting in the sea
Very few things can be trusted
Only one thing rescues me
The song pretty much says it all. If you read back over the posts of this blog, you can probably find at least one place where I've dealt with frustration over the imperfections and fallibilities of everything addressed in this song: doctrine, tradition, science, compliance (living it "right" by a standard and not knowing which standard is right), politics (public education!), rhetoric (worse, in my case, semantics), conscience, contentment, preaching and teaching, and struggling to understand the Scriptures.
The answer is so ridiculously simple yet so mysteriously and miraculously complex that it should be the sole topic of this blog and the only reason I live: Jesus is my only anchor.
"Everything else floats away..." How true could anything be? It reminds me of my old standby favorite, Ecclesiastes. "Everything is vanity." Just last night the end of Ecclesiastes came to mind so strongly that I looked it up and copied the final three verses onto the inside cover of my journal as a reminder, in this continuous soul-searching and book-reading frenzy of my life, what really matters.
But beyond this, my son, be warned: the writing of many books is endless, and excessive devotion to books is wearying to the body. The conclusion, when all has been heard, is: fear God and keep His commandments, because this applies to every person. For God will bring every act to judgment, everything which is hidden, whether it is good or evil.Does this mean I'm through with the soul-searching, the questioning, the angst, the struggles? I'm laughing at myself alone in my room even as I write that. Yeah right I can almost hear my husband saying. I think I'll always have plenty of angst to go around, but Jacob didn't become Israel until he wrestled, and I think my soul is always going to do more than its share of striving.
That being said, my third mention of family and friends goes to Meagan Anderson, whom I thank for her comment on my previous post. The sermon she suggested entitled "Certainty" (Click here to listen.) had many great points, including one that sticks with me the most strongly: The first step in getting certainty is wanting to have it. The pastor challenged the members of the congregation first to consider whether they even wanted certainty. Certainty, after all, comes with a price. It comes with commitment. Change. Moving forward. I listened to that part of the sermon twice. He says something about not using seeking as an excuse to stay in the same place, and I do not want that to be me. I do not want my search to be an excuse or the place I stay stuck. His question was basically "Are you the kind of person who values the hunt over the finding?"And my answer is no. I don't want to keep floundering away hunting for things that are, as Ecclesiastes puts it, "futility and striving after wind."
Striving, okay. Striving after wind, no.
Psalm 46:10 the way most translations word it is alright, but Psalm 46:10 in the NSAV is so awesome.
Cease striving and know that I am God.Cease striving. Cease striving. Cease striving. And KNOW that I am God.
Soul-searching notwithstanding, there is one thing about which I can be certain-- that God said "I Am," that He said to cease striving because He Is. I know I'm repeating my last post, but I'm fascinated right now with the fact that God Is and that He has taken away all my doubt of that fact.
The conclusion, when all has been heard, is: fear God and keep His commandments, because this applies to every person.I think it's time for a little less striving and struggling and a lot more delving deep into what it is to fear God and keep His commandments. I've made up my mind that I am certain of God, Jesus, Holy Spirit. (Or He has made up my mind.) And I hope this blog begins to reflect a little bit more of that in the midst of the questions.
Finally, last name drop(s) of the post-- Molly Hurst. Molly is one of my dearest friends, a best friend from all the way back in high school in Newport, Tennessee and easily one of the two purest, sweetest souls I know in the world (Katie Chambers Robertson being the other). Molly keeps a blog too, and hers is named "My Anchor Holds." The reference is to Hebrews 6:19-20 "This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil, where Jesus has entered as a forerunner for us, having become a high priest forever..." I am grateful for friends like Molly and Katie who remind me how possible it is to believe with assurance, to be anchored in Christ, unwavering in His love.
Questions, like rains and winds, may come. The tides of doctrine, tradition, and science, and even conscience may all flow contrary to the Way.
But, praise God, my anchor holds. And my anchor is Christ.
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