A Complement to "Anchor"

This is another NoiseTrade find, and it reminds me of the heart in "Anchor," a NoiseTrade find that is the song of my soul this year and maybe for a long, long time:

Jesus Is My Only Anchor


Home
Robbie Seay Band

Don't wanna live for the rich
Don't wanna live for me
A rich man who's come here to confess my sin

Don't wanna live for the politics
Politics of man
For the hope we seek is never found in the politicians

I wanna live for the King
I wanna live for the King 
(2x)

Don't wanna live in the past
Don't wanna live in shame
For everything I was You exchanged for grace

Don't wanna live for an ideology
Oh I want to know You not just know about a God who saves

I wanna live for the King
I wanna live for the King 
(2x)

Singing whoa
And whoa
Come and make my heart Your home
Yeah

Oh the cross echoes in my heart
The suffering of God
You have made a way for me

Oh the grace
Death has been undone
Love has overcome
My heart overflows to sing

I wanna live for the King
I wanna live for the King
(4x)

Singing whoa
and whoa
Come and make my heart Your home

More Dolly: Jesus and Gravity

Jesus and Gravity

Dolly Parton

I'm to the point where it don't add up

I can't say I've come this far

With my guitar on pure dumb luck

That's not to say, I know it all

'Cause every time I get too high up

On my horse I fall

'Cause I've got something lifting me up

Something holding me down

Something to give me wings

And keep my feet on the ground

I've got all I need, Jesus & gravity

But I'm as bad as anyone

Takin' all these blessings in my life

For granted one by one

When I start to think and it's all me

Well, something comes along

And knocks me right back on my knees and

I've got something lifting me up

Something holding me down

Something to give me wings

And keep my feet on the ground

I've got all I need, Jesus & gravity

He's my friend, He's my light

He's my wings, He's my flight

I've got something lifting me up

Something holding me down

Something to give me wings

And keep my feet on the ground

I've got all I'm gonna need

I've got Jesus, I got Jesus

I've got something lifting me up

Something holding me down

Something to give me wings

And keep my feet on the ground

I've got all I'll ever need

'Cause I've got Jesus & gravity

I've got something lifting me up

Something holding me down

Something to give me wings

And keep my feet on the ground

I've got all I need

'Cause I've got Jesus & gravity

Jesus, I got Jesus, I've got Jesus

He's my only friend

He lifts me up, He give me wings

He gives me hope

And He gives me strength

And that's all I'll ever need

As long as He keeps lifting me

He is my light, He is my guide

He is my wings, He is my flight

Lift me, I've got Jesus

I've got Jesus and that's all I need

Read more: DOLLY PARTON - JESUS & GRAVITY LYRICS 

http://www.metrolyrics.com/jesus-gravity-lyrics-dolly-parton.html

2013 Book 1 (I'm getting a head start.)

Dream More by Dolly Parton

I think Dolly just wrote my New Year's Resolution:

I've thought about this a lot, and I think that having lots of energy is mostly about having happiness in your life. And to me, happiness is your commitment to appreciating all that is good in life, big and small. It's pretty easy to be happy when everything's going great. But life's not like that. It's like one of my favorite old sayings goes, 'If you want the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain.'

To Me, If You're a Happy Person, You: 

• Love what you do. 

•  Like yourself.

• Enjoy other people: their company, their ideas, their personalities.

• Keep a good spiritual grip on things. 

•  Always pray for understanding and acceptance.

Of course, I don't know if these account for your happiness, but they certainly account for mine. And it's been my experience that happiness begets happiness. You have to work hard at being happy, just like you have to work hard at being miserable. I wake up every day expecting all to be good and right. And if it's not, I set my mind to making it so by the end of the day.

Dream More: Celebrate the Dreamer in You by the one and only Dolly Parton

She aptly begins quoting one of her recent songs after this passage, one that I have a quotation from painted on a canvas in my classroom, one that I need to live each day. Once just someone I loved because my Mamaw did, once just someone I thought of when I thought of a popular East Tennessee theme park, Dolly has become and will always be one of the smartest philosophers I ever care to follow.

Just watch and listen and see why:

Variation on Hillsong Forever Reign

You are good. There is nothing good in me.
You are love on display for all to see.
You are light when the darkness closes in.
You are hope. You are hope.
You have covered all my sin.

You are peace when my fear is crippling.
You are peace when my pride is crippling.
You are peace when my doubt is crippling.
You are peace when my stress is crippling.
You are peace when I am crippling myself.

You are true even in my wandering.
You are joy. You're the reason that I sing
You are life. You are life.
In You death has lost its sting

Oh, I’m running to Your arms.
I’m running to Your arms.
The riches of Your love will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace.
Light of the World, forever reign.

You are more than my words will ever say.
"You are Lord, You are Lord," all creation will proclaim.
You are here. In Your presence I'm made whole.
You are God, You are God
Of all else I'm letting go

Oh, I’m running to Your arms.
I’m running to Your arms.
The riches of Your love will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace.
Light of the World, forever reign.

My heart will sing 
no other Name
Jesus, Jesus.

Oh, I’m running to Your arms.
I’m running to Your arms.
The riches of Your love will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace.
Light of the World, forever reign.

"Keeper of the Way" by Ross King
Get it on NoiseTrade.

I'm gonna take some time today
To read a book I don't agree with
Find out what it has to say
And I'm gonna turn off my TV
Maybe sit there in the silence
Wonder what my life would be without the noise
Then I'm gonna find some work to do
Maybe trim my trees and hedges
Maybe trim my neighbor's too
Cause I believe it's good to labor with my hands
It's therapeutic to my soul in ways that I don't understand
But that's ok
It's all part of my plan to somehow be "all things to all men"
Though I'm a stranger in this land
I am just another keeper of the Way
And I will guard what I've been given by the Spirit for That Day
I am keeping it with every breath I take
Every part of me is rapidly slipping away
So I'm gonna speak a little less
And I will try to listen more and to assume the very best
Because I know that I don't know that much at all
So I will step a little softer, Who knows?
Maybe I won't fall so hard today
It's all part of my dream to be a whole lot more like Jesus
He was a lot more than what He seemed
I am just another keeper of the Way...
Every part of me is rapidly slipping away
Every part of You has broken thru and filled the space
I'm bringing life back into religion
I'm giving simple things the passion they deserve
I am a living, breathing agent of redemption,
Giving hope and love
A citizen of Heaven, here on earth
So I'm gonna tip my waiter 25 percent
I know a worker's worth his wages, 
So that money is well spent
And I'm gonna tell somebody all about the way
That Jesus saved me, and just maybe they'll believe in Him today
But either way
I've got to do what I can to somehow be "all things to all men"
Though I'm a stranger in this land
I am just another keeper of the Way...
Every part of You has broken thru and filled the space
There is no secular of sacred they are all the same
Every moment, every action is in Jesus' name

Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve.

--Colossians 3:23-24

Emphasis

With its quiet, meandering melodies and lyrics that send me off into depths of pondering that take my mind away from me, Sleeping at Last isn't really good music for listening to on long interstate drives. Just the same, I found myself craving it and listened to Sleeping at Last during my four-hour jaunt from Parrottsville to Nashville yesterday.

I've shared Sleeping at Last's song "Emphasis" on the blog before, but I'm going to revisit some of the lines now.

First life and death--

Life is a branch and it is a dove, handcrafted by confusing love. Sign language is our reply when church bells make no sound.

Death is a cold, blind-folded kiss. It is the finger pressed upon our lips. It puts an unwanted emphasis on how we should have lived.

The song "Emphasis" starts with a metaphor of a bee, working to make honey, meeting death when it stings to protect the hive. Was life worth nothing more than honey for the queen? the song asks. Was it all just a grain of sand in an hourglass?

Those questions are simultaneously my reason for living with such urgency for accomplishments (duty to the queens of my life, need for speed since the hourglass is always running out) and my reason for questioning if I'm living life right because... what if it turns out to be all for nought? There's always the question of death and what will be accomplished before it gets here and whether anything really follows. Will anything really have mattered? Will I get to the end and find I wasted my time buzzing around the wrong hives?

I just don't really understand it all. I don't really have the full picture. I love the enigmatic line, "Life is a branch and it is a dove, handcrafted by confusing love." Branches and doves represent peace in our culture and have since the dove brought back a branch to Noah, signifying the receding of the destructive waters and the coming of safety on land and a promise from God stretched across the sky. Life, then, is peace, a peace that we can only have at the hand of Love, a love that we cannot even understand. I've never heard anyone in church or a worship song call God's love confusing, but isn't it? In a beautiful, mind-blowing, I-can't-wrap-my-mind-around it kind of way. Think of the Bible's images of love-- Abraham who would murder his own God-given miracle son for the love of God, a God who would not allow the death to occur, Hosea who takes a prostitute as his wife and redeems her to him even when she strays again and again, a God who sends His own son, His own self to the world to die to redeem a fallen bride of people who wouldn't even recognize the bridegroom. God is confusing, and, at best, sign language is all we can muster. I picture us waving frantically up to our God, to love, trying to respond appropriately, but we can't. It is too much for us even to respond intelligibly. 

Then, light and wholeness--

The smartest thing I've ever learned is that I don't have all the answers, just a little light to call my own. Though it pales in comparison to the overarching shadows, a speck of light can reignite the sun and swallow darkness whole.

Life is a gorgeous, broken gift, six billion pieces, waiting to be fixed, love letters that were never signed, sent to where we live. The sweetest thing I've ever heard is that I don't have to have the answers, just a little light to call my own. Though it pales in comparison to the overarching shadows, a speck of light can reignite the sun and swallow darkness whole.

A week ago in Sunday school, we were talking about 1 Peter 3:15 "but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence."

I do have so much hope, so much hope in the light. So much hope in the only One who can restore wholeness in the brokenness. 

Meanwhile, what about the other six billion+ pieces? Where is the hope for them, and can they see it in me? Why don't people see it? Why is no one asking me about this life-changing hope that I have?

I don't know the answer to that startling, sobering question. Somehow, though, I feel like reading books and attending classes about being a better evangelist aren't going to change the fact that people in my life neither seem to notice nor ask about the hope that I have in Christ. I know in the deepest part of me that the only answer is Christ.

"He must increase, but I must decrease."

Speed

I am always in a hurry.

Or avoiding being in a hurry, not by slowing down and relaxing but by avoiding and moping.

I live my life primarily in one of those two states.

My dad commented once, in reference to my tendency on weekends to crash and sleep 10-12 hours a day, that I either have to be doing something useful or fun or I have to be sleeping. I can't just be.

Lately, I think I have to be just useful or sleeping. I don't really even enjoy fun that much.

If I'm not working, I'm feeling bad about not working. And I don't process my feelings well. A healthy response to worrying about the clothes piled on the top of the hamper or the junk cluttering the counter would be to clean them up. A healthy response to stress about school work would be to do it and stop worrying about it, recognize everyone needs a break sometimes and just take one, or, the best idea, stop doing and just be and pray and remember that "unless the Lord builds the house the workers build in vain" and "cease striving and know that He is God." 

Instead, my usual non-working response is crashing. I nap. I veg in front of facebook, Pinterest, or the television and hate myself for wasting time the whole time I'm doing it. I whine, and I wallow. Somehow, I have the audacity to feel sorry for myself, which-- excuse me-- is a supremely shitty thing to do when my life is as wonderful as it is. I'm really a piece of crap to even dare for one moment not to rejoice.

 The problem is, it seems to me, is that I let it get too far. I let the need to be "useful" and "efficient" drive me, refusing to do anything fun (because, like I said, I've grown into such a tighta--, that it's almost more effort to enjoy things than to work) until I'm past the point of no return. It's like I can't rechart the course. I just crash.

I kept thinking of this word speed tonight as I enjoyed, truly, giddily, kind of annoyingly enjoyed a four hour dinner with my friends. Like, seriously was hyper and laughed and wanted to be there and stay there.

I was sitting there, grateful for my friends, feeling my eyes opening to things I haven't been paying attention to, enjoying myself and wondering what is so all-fired important about speed.

Because, you see, speed isn't just about work for me. It's about life. I realize I'm only twenty-five. I realize I'm the youngest person in my school building and still have that "young" air about me. I realize, assuming an average lifespan is in store for me, I still have a lot of years left.

But I look at twenty-five and can't believe I'm already a half a century old. It's an idealistic stretch of my life-expectancy even to think anything I face now is a classic John Mayer "quarter-life crisis." I think about "Stop This Train" and actually feel myself playing "the numbers game to find a way to say that life has just begun." How did I get old enough to identify with that?

I don't know what I expected by twenty-five, but somehow I feel like I should have done something better by now. I feel like I should have figured it out by now. I should have the hang of things. 

Maybe it's my slew of college friends just finishing degrees but off to hugely bright and amazing things while I'm still in the same job with the same undergraduate degree I had three years ago. Maybe it's the realization that I'm a Mrs. and that babies are a legitimate possibility in my life in the next few years, marking the end of this and the start of something that forever alters everything, the thought that I should make sure and do everything great in my me-life before it becomes a family life... should it become a family life? Because how much more could I do in life if I never made that forever choice...? 

Maybe it's just my life-long fear of just being mediocre.

That's probably it. I graduated from my "small pond" as a National Merit Scholar and a valedictorian like I had dreamed, I graduated from my "bigger pond" summa cum laude (but just had to look up how to spell it, so how smart am I really?).  I have somehow managed to achieve things like that, things that I thought would help me prove to myself that I'm not mediocre, that I wasn't just good in the small surroundings of Cocke County, Tennessee but that I'm really good. Everything I've "accomplished," I've accomplished at least partially with the motive of proving that I'm good.

And then I look at myself, teaching in a slightly farther west, ever-so-slightly more suburban place just like where I grew up, good but not as good as other people around me, certainly not the best, even in my new "small pond," and I wonder if I'm "living it right," if this is really the best use of my life, and I fear being mediocre. I mean, I can't even be as good as I want at teaching and taking care of a house and keeping up a few friendships. My prospects for writing the next American classic or having a teacher movie made about me or changing the face of education with my renowned research and practice aren't looking so hot at this point. Because, I'm twenty-five, and I haven't really even started anything amazing yet, and if I were to have any chance of achieving the kind of greatness I dream about, I should have already been well on my way.

And as I read what I'm writing, I see I, I, I... all obsessed like I've always been with myself.

I think my intentions are somewhat good-- I really don't want to waste the preciousness that is life-- but the problem is that I keep thinking, time after time, no matter how much it is proven otherwise, that the way not to waste life is to keep looking for ways to live it better, to keep forcing myself into improvements, to move beyond, to keep myself in check and barrel through out of the mediocre.

Speed. 

Speed.

I want life to happen fast. I want to be everything now. 

Fact: I will never be everything or probably even anything that awesome.

And I need to embrace that because fighting it and thinking that the goal of life is to be remembered for being useful, efficient, intelligent, revolutionary, great, whatever it is I think I have to be is getting in the way of life, and it is making my supreme guide for my life my ego, my appearance, my accomplishments.

Jason summed up my viewpoint on life pretty perfectly once. He said with me it's "ideal or no deal."

I don't like that life isn't perfect. I don't like that other people aren't perfect. I don't like that I'm not perfect.

But I have to quit slamming all the doors on everything that's not perfect, have to stop overlooking friends who aren't my ideal companions, have to quit skipping over things and people in my speed to rush toward some elusive delusion of perfect.

Tonight, I'm realizing I'm missing a lot by imposing my ideals on myself and everyone around me, my church, my friends, my students. And when they don't live up, I just don't want them, and I miss what's good about them... and worse, I build up more and more the lie that they're somehow not really worthy of more of my time and attention because they're not my ideal, like that's really the goal in life, to be Natalie Coleman's ideal. Pft.

I've got a lot of arrogance to get over. Lest any friend reading this feel the need to tell me I'm more awesome than I think or I really have accomplished great things, I will say this point-blank: don't. The last thing I need is more ammunition in the lethal artillery of "how great I am" I have in my head. Believe me, I have far too high an opinion of myself, my accomplishments, and my perspective already. Don't get me wrong-- it's not all bad-- but it's not God either, and it's in the way of a lot of things that are a whole lot better than the stuff that I think is so important.

I just want to remember that... which is why I'm going to try to lay off the speed and urgency a little bit and remember that no amount of speed will get me to the finish when I'm spending all my time running my own race with standards that I invented for a prize that only I think matters.

I'll probably be a narcissistic jerk again tomorrow, even if it's only in my head and people don't know, but I'm praying to be on the right track again and stay on it this time.