Address To The Lord

Master of beauty, craftsman of the snowflake,
inimitable contriver,
endower of Earth so gorgeous & different from the boring Moon,
thank you for such as it is my gift.

I have made up a morning prayer to you
containing with precision everything that most matters.
'According to Thy will' the thing begins.
It took me off & on two days. It does not aim at eloquence.

You have come to my rescue again & again
in my impassable, sometimes despairing years.
You have allowed my brilliant friends to destroy themselves
and I am still here, severely damaged, but functioning.

Unknowable, as I am unknown to my guinea pigs:
How can I 'love' you?
I only as far as gratitude & awe
confidently & absolutely go.

I have no idea whether we live again.
It doesn't seem likely
from either the scientific or the philosophical point of view
but certainly all things are possible to you,

and I believe as fixedly in the Resurrection-appearances to Peter and
to Paul

as I believe I sit in this blue chair.
Only that may have been a special case
to establish their initiatory faith.

Whatever your end may be, accept my amazement.
May I stand until death forever at attention
for any your least instruction or enlightenment.
I even feel sure you will assist me again, Master of insight & beauty.

"Address to the Lord" by John Berryman

Not Fair

"For the kingdom of heaven is like a landowner who went out early in the morning to hire men to work in his vineyard. He agreed to pay them a denarius for the day and sent them into his vineyard.  About the third hour he went out and saw others standing in the marketplace doing nothing.   He told them, 'You also go and work in my vineyard, and I will pay you whatever is right.'   So they went.  He went out again about the sixth hour and the ninth hour and did the same thing.  About the eleventh hour he went out and found still others standing around. He asked them, 'Why have you been standing here all day long doing nothing?' 'Because no one has hired us,' they answered.  He said to them, 'You also go and work in my vineyard.'  When evening came, the owner of the vineyard said to his foreman, 'Call the workers and pay them their wages, beginning with the last ones hired and going on to the first.'  The workers who were hired about the eleventh hour came and each received a denarius.   So when those came who were hired first, they expected to receive more. But each one of them also received a denarius.   When they received it, they began to grumble against the landowner.   'These men who were hired last worked only one hour,' they said, 'and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the work and the heat of the day.'  But he answered one of them, 'Friend, I am not being unfair to you. Didn't you agree to work for a denarius?  Take your pay and go. I want to give the man who was hired last the same as I gave you.   Don't I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?'  So the last will be first, and the first will be last."

the words of Jesus in Matthew 20:1-16

The Beauty of Grace Is that It Makes Life Unfair

I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so
You won’t even know me apart from 
this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention 
is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away
And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house 
all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out 
and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, 
promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, 
I’m begging You to be my escape.
I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair
I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for 
You to do what You can with me
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave
I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You
So were You 
-- "Be My Escape" performed by Relient K

Eager for God to Come Near

Shout it aloud, do not hold back.
Raise your voice like a trumpet.
Declare to my people their rebellion
and to the house of Jacob their sins.
For day after day they seek me out;
they seem eager to know my ways,
as if they were a nation that does what is right
and has not forsaken the commands of its God.
They ask me for just decisions
and seem eager for God to come near them.
'Why have we fasted,' they say,
'and you have not seen it?
Why have we humbled ourselves,
and you have not noticed?'
Yet on the day of your fasting, you do as you please
and exploit all your workers.
Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife,
and in striking each other with wicked fists.
You cannot fast as you do today
and expect your voice to be heard on high.
Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
only a day for a man to humble himself?
Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed
and for lying on sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast,
a day acceptable to the LORD ?
Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?
Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.
The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.
Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.
If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath
and from doing as you please on my holy day,
if you call the Sabbath a delight
and the LORD's holy day honorable,
and if you honor it by not going your own way
and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,
then you will find your joy in the LORD,
and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land
and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob."
The mouth of the LORD has spoken.
Isaiah 58

Crazy Love

Before The Sacredness of Questioning, I read Francis Chan's Crazy Love.  The following are some quotations from this book that I marked and am taking time today to revisit (bold emphases are mine).

Psalm 115:3 reveals, "Our God is in heaven; he does whatever pleases him."  Yet we keep questioning Him: "Why did You make me with this body, instead of that one?"  "Why are so many people dying of starvation?"  "Why are there so many planets with nothing living on them?"  "Why is my family so messed up?"  "Why don't You make Yourself more obvious to the people who need You?"  The answer to each of these questions is simply this: because He's God.  He has more of a right to ask us why so many people are starving.  As much as we want God to explain himself to us, His creation, we are in no place to demand that He give an account to us.  (pg. 33)

Worry implies that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives.  Stress  says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or out tight grip of control.  Basically, these two behaviors communicate that it's okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional.  Both worry and stress reek of arrogance.  They declare our tendency to forget that we've been forgiven, that our our lives here are brief, that we are headed to place where we won't be lonely, afraid, or hurt ever again, and that in the context of God's strength, our problems are small, indeed.  Why are we so quick to forget God?  Who do we think we are? (pg. 42)

[a subheading that says it all and says everything I have so much trouble doing]  Thank God We Are Weak (pg. 45)

...I eventually rejected what the majority said and began to compare all aspects of my life to Scripture.  I quickly found that the American church is a difficult place to fit in if you want to live out New Testament Christianity.  The goals of American Christianity are often a nice marriage, children who don't swear, and good church attendance.  Taking the words of Christ literally and seriously is rarely considered.  That's for the "radicals" who are "unbalanced" and who go "overboard."  Most of us want a balanced life that we can control, that is safe, and that does not involve suffering.  Would you describe yourself as totally in love with Jesus Christ?  Or do the words halfhearted, lukewarm, and partially committed fit better?  (pg. 68)
Suppose the flood have never come-- Noah would have been the biggest laughingstock on earth.  Having faith often means doing what others see as crazy.  Something is wrong when our lives make sense to unbelievers.(pgs. 114-115)

Marveling at Redeeming Grace

The previous post of Derek Webb song lyrics and portions of the book of Hosea stand alone as a collage of interconnected stories, stories that tell the truth about the relationship between humanity and God.

We are sinners.

We are the equivalent of the harlot, the prostitute taken from prostitution to be loved truly as a wife.  Lest we think even that kind of love-- love that takes a whore and calls her beloved-- does not show grace enough, follow the analogy further.  Not only are we harlots taken as brides, we are brides who revert continually to our harlotry.  We are wives who stray, who turn to lovers and who credit our lovers for the gifts that came not from them but from our benevolent husband.  We are adulterers.  We are stained, sinful sex-addicts always looking for fulfillment in all the wrong places, valuing our trinkets and baubles and the thrill of adultery above the husband whose love for us surpasses understanding. In our vain search for pleasure, fulfillment, our next meal and our next adornment, we find ourselves no longer under protection of the husband from which we have strayed; we find ourselves reduced to slavery. The grace of our husband, though, is so great that he, benevolent as he was to marry us in the first place, extends his love further to buy us back from slavery and to accept us again as wife.     

The love of God, analogized in the love of Hosea, is love that weds the prostitute as wife and then redeems her from slavery to be his wife again.


Grace.  We say the word easily.  We know the words to "Amazing Grace," and we sing the word "grace" in praise chorus after praise chorus.  We include Grace in the names of our churches, and we say "grace" before meals. Grace is part of all our formulas for understanding our relationship with God.  We are saved by grace.  I repeat that statement easily and without need for thought.  I am certain that I can flip through my Bible and easily turn to highlighted passages explaining and extolling the greatness of that grace. Raised in the Lutheran tradition, the word grace thrills my heart, for, as a Lutheran I learn and proudly give credit to Martin Luther for articulating the motto "by Faith alone, by Grace alone, by Scripture alone."  Only by grace through faith are we saved-- not by works and certainly not by pilgrimages, relics, or indulgences.  This is the creed I have always known to believe. Grace.  Yeah, Grace.  Grace is good.  I got it.


The Hosea allegory forces me to consider what grace really is, what grace really means.  Grace is a pretty word that looks pretty on a sign with a pretty little dove painted beside it, but these things don't help me understand what grace truly means, how grace lives and behaves and acts.
Grace is what a man shows when he marries a prostitute with no resentment of her past, with no jealousy of her other lovers, with no ultimatums and with no ulterior motives.  Grace is what a man shows when he not only forgives his wayward wife for her adultery and who not only redeems her with love but also redeems her by buying her from slavery to be restored as a wife.  Imagine that kind of love, that kind of relationship.  Imagine coming to terms with a past of prostitution and relapses into adultery.  Imagine the feeling of redemption in accepting the love of a husband who accepts the past and the relapses without judgment.  There is no guilt, there is no need to apologize, and there is nothing to repay. That is the love of Christ.  He loves like the husband Hosea was to Gomer. He loves. He forgives.  The guilt is gone.  That is grace.  


The word grace needs a richer definition.  The word grace must be evaluated and weighed, felt and understood.  I need to taste it on my tongue, turn it in my head, question it in my heart, feel it like the harlot of a human that I am.  
Face to face with this kind of grace, how can I not love the God of this kind of grace?  How can I not want to share that kind of grace with the world, not just by telling stories and spouting theology about grace but by showing that grace in action?

Harlots Bought as Brides

If you could love me as a wife and for my wedding gift, your life Should that be all I'd ever need or is there more I'm looking for and should I read between the lines and look for blessings in disguise To make me handsome, rich, and wise Is that really what you want? I am a whore I do confess, But I put you on just like a wedding dress and I run down the aisle and I run down the aisle. I'm a prodigal with no way home, but I put you on just like a ring of gold, and I run down the aisle to you. So could you love this bastard child Though I don't trust you to provide With one hand in a pot of gold and with the other in your side? I am so easily satisfied by the call of lovers so less wild That I would take a little cash Over your very flesh and blood. Because money cannot buy a husband's jealous eye When you have knowingly deceived his wife. --"Wedding Dress" by Derek Webb When the Lord first spoke through Hosea, the Lord said to Hosea, "Go, take to yourself a wife of harlotry and have children of harlotry; for the land commits flagrant harlotry, forsaking the Lord." (Hosea 1:2) For their mother has played the harlot; She who conceived them has acted shamefully. For she said, "I will go after my lovers, Who give me my bread and my water, My wool and my flax, my oil and my drink." Therefore, behold, I will hedge up her way with thorns, And I will build a wall against her so that she cannot find her paths. She will pursue her lovers, but she will not overtake them; And she will seek them, but will not find them. Then she will say, "I will go back to my first husband, For it was better for me then than now!" (Hosea 2:6-9) "I will destroy her vines and fig tress, Of which she said, 'These are my wages Which my lovers have given me.' And I will make them a forest, And the beasts of the field will devour them. I will punish her for the days of the Baals When she used to offer sacrifices to them And adorn herself with her earrings and jewelry, And follow her lovers, so that she forgot Me," declares the Lord. "Therefore, behold, I will allure her, Bring her into the wilderness And speak kindly to her. Then I will give her her vineyards from there, And the valley of Achor as a door of hope. And she will sing there as in the days of her youth, As in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt. It will come about in that day," declares the Lord, "That you will call me my husband, And will no longer call me my owner. For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, So that they will be mentioned by their names no more. In that day I will also make a covenant for them With the beasts of the field, The birds of the sky And the creeping things of the ground. And I will abolish the bow, the sword and war from the land, And will make them lie down in safety. I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice, In lovingkindness and in compassion, And I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the Lord." (Hosea 2:12-20) Then the Lord said to me, "Go again, love a woman who is loved by her husband, yet an adulteress, even as the Lord loves the sons of Israel, though they turn to other gods and love raisin cakes.  So I bought her for myself for fifteen shekels of silver and a homer and a half of barley.  (Hosea 3:1-2) Mercy speaks by Jesus’ blood hear and sing, ye sons of God justice satisfied indeed Christ has full atonement made Jesus’ blood speaks loud and sweet here all Deity can meet and, without a jarring voice welcome Zion to rejoice “all her debts were cast on me, and she must and shall go free” peace of conscience, peace with God we obtain through Jesus’ blood Jesus’ blood speaks solid rest we believe, and we are blest should the law against her roar Jesus’ blood still speaks with power “all her debts were cast on me, and she must and shall go free” --"She Must and Shall Go Free" by Derek Webb

I Repent

i repent of my pursuit of America's dream 

i repent of living like i deserve anything 

my house, my fence, my kids, and my wife 

in our suburb where we're safe and white 

i am wrong and of these things i repent 

i repent of parading my liberty 

i repent of paying for what i get for free 

the way i believe that i am living right 

by trading sins for others that are easier to hide 

i am wrong and of these things i repent 

i repent judging by a law that even i can't keep 

wearin righteousness like a disguise to see through 

the planks in my own eyes 

i repent of trading truth for false unity 

i repent of confusing peace and idolatry 

of caring more of what they think than what i know of what they need 

and domesticating You until You look just like me 

i am wrong and of these things i repent

--"I Repent" by Derek Webb

A Call: Are You Loving?

If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.

John 14:15

He who has my commandments and keeps them is the one who loves Me; and he who loves me will be loved by My father, and I will love him and will disclose Myself to him.  Judas (not Iscariot) said to Him, "Lord, what then has happened that You are going to disclose Yourself to us and not to the world?"  Jesus answered and said to him, "If anyone loves Me, he will keep my word; and My father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our abode with him.  He who does not love Me does not keep My words; and the word which you hear is not Mine, but the Father's who sent me.

John 14: 21-24

If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.  My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be My disciples.  Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love.  If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father's commandments and abide in His love.  These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full.  This is my commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you.  Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.  You are My friends if you do what I command you.  No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you.  You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you.  This I command you, that you love one another.

John 15:7-17

Think it's important to Jesus that we love each other?  Think that means we have to love everyone?  How do I measure up next to such a command?  If I do not love others, do I really love my Lord?

Can't Get No Satisfaction?

In high school, all of my devout Christian friends and I went through a hardcore "Christian Music Only" phase brought about by several impassioned messages given by friends in the Christian clubs FCA and First Priority.  We believed that putting only Christian input into our minds through music would influence a more Christian output in our lives.  I don't know that it ever proved true, and I have long since abandoned the idea that truth cannot be revealed through that which is labeled "secular" as much as that which is labeled "spiritual" by the Christian subculture.   Our quest for greater spirituality, though, was genuine, and our intentions were noble; we wanted our lives to be filled less with the world and more with God.  That is still the desire of my heart (when my heart is not distracted by other, less worthy desires), and I do often find wisdom and encouragement in the "Christian input" of music produced by "Christian music labels."

The following lyric caught my attention today while listening to a little "old school" Stacie Orrico.  I definitely jammed out to this crazy, poppy stuff back in high school, and the cheesiness of the music makes me laugh a little listening to it now.  Still, the lyric is a good one and a simple declaration of the yearning I've been feeling throughout the past few years of uncovering the inherent problems with the American Dream and the ideals of capitalism and consumerism.  The lyric is a bit cliche; countless people have identified the need for "something more," and many a trite Christmas flick has commercialized the human need for more than more commercial stuff.  Still, commonplace though the "more to life" sentiment may be, how many of us actually start making real changes to live life for something more than the "temporary high," and how many of us actually manage to restrain and refocus our urging desires for "MORE" toward a more valuable MORE?  I would do well to pray a constant question each time I seek more of something-- Lord, of what do YOU desire MORE in this world, in my life?  

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me

Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more

-- "More to Life" performed by Stacie Orrico

Lord, if I must be on a constant quest for MORE, make it the MORE that You desire and not my or my country's or my imperfect human ideology's idea of the most acceptable more. 

O satisfy us in the morning with Your lovingkindness

That we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.

Psalm 90:14

You open Your hand

And satisfy the desire of every living thing.

Psalm 145:16

Why do you spend money for what is not bread,

And your wages for what does not satisfy?

Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good,

And delight yourself in abundance....

Seek the Lord while He may be found;

Call upon Him while He is near.

Let the wicked forsake his way

And the unrighteous his thoughts;

And let him return to the Lord,

And He will have compassion on him,

And to our God,

For He will abundantly pardon.

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts,

Neither are your ways My ways," declares the Lord.

"For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

So are My ways higher than your ways

And my thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55:2...6-9 

I Don't Wanna Go Through the Motions

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"
No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
-- "Going Through the Motions" performed by Matthew West

Convicting Statements for Pondering and for Action

I am currently highly under the influence of the book I most recently read, David Dark's The Sacredness of Questioning Everything.  This book has re-inspired me  to question, to think, to read, to experience, to grow, and to write.  The following are some quotations from the book that drive my current questioning and searching and that convict me to go beyond my brain and out into the world to make it more what it should be.

My religion is my practice.  It's what I do. (pg. 35)  Will we allow a religious critique of our practice of religion?  Are we up for a redeeming word?  Show me a transcript of the words you've spoken, typed, or texted in the course of a day, an account of your doings, and a record of your transactions, and I'll show you your religion.  (pg. 38)

What is my religion?  If it is shown in what I do on a daily basis, by every word, by every deed, by every decision I make, and by every way I choose to spend a dollar, does my religion point to Christ?  Is my religion of my daily life one that I can say would match the words of Jesus, the commands of God, or the leading of the Spirit?  Or is my religion a patchy, inconsistent, and inadequate attempt?  Do I even give a genuine attempt each day to live the love I claim to have made a difference in my life?  What if every person claiming to live as a "Christian" examined each day what the religion of a Christian should be and what the religion of our lives really is?

We only receive art when we let it call our own lives into question.  If the words of Jesus of Nazareth, for instance, strike us as comfortable and perfectly in tune with our own confident common sense, our likes and dislikes, our budgets, and our actions toward strangers and foreigners, then receiving the words of Jesus is probably not what we're doing. We may quote a verse, put it in a PowerPoint presentation, or even intone it loudly with an emotional, choked-up quiver, but if it doesn't scandalize or bother us, challenging our already-made-up minds, we aren't really receiving it.  Not religiously anyway.  (pg. 42)

Goal: Reread all of the Gospels.  Do the words of Jesus scandalize, bother, and challenge?  What are the challenges He gives you?

For some, their religion is nothing more than a special interest group, a bastion of offendedness and anger, the powerhouse of the saved rather than a place from which life can be viewed and lived more redemptively.  (pg. 44)
Lord, this is the yearning of my heart...  "a life that can be viewed and lived more redemptively."  Teach me to see your redemption, to live it out, and to express it to others.
If all our friends and news sources require of us is a "Ditto" and "I think what you think," we might be in danger of becoming impenetrable of wisdom, immunized against the sensation of sympathy, resistant to the pleasure of being amused by our ignorance, and closed to the joy of being wrong.  (pg. 58)
In what aspects of my life do I have a tendency to seek sources and people who allow me the blind, dull pleasure of the "Ditto" response?  What sources and people DO challenge my thinking, and how can I seek more opportunities for my ignorance and incorrectness to be exposed so that I might have deeper understanding and sympathy that lead to action?

Life Requirements

He has told you, O man, what is good;
And what does the Lord require of you
But to do justice, to love loving-kindness,
And to walk humbly with your God?
Micah 6:8

The Examined Life

Am I living it right?

May this be the question I never stop asking.

John Mayer alludes to a possible "quarter-life crisis" as he repeatedly asks this question of himself (or, if of someone else, whom?): "Am I living it right?"   At the age of twenty-two-going-on-twenty-three, I could fall into that "quarter-life" category, and I, too, wonder if my age and the fraction of my life that I have already lived cause me to question "Am I living it right?"

What have I done with my twenty-two years?  Where will the trajectory that I have set take me in the next twenty-two, and when I am approaching forty-five, what will I think of the half-life or more that I have lived?

What will God think?  Can I even ask a question like that and know and let it be known that I am striving not to ask that question as one in fear of damnation for failing to complete a cosmic checklist or as one who presumes ever to be able to know the answer to my own question?

Regardless, I'll ask it-- What will God think of my forty-five years?  What would He say about the past twenty-two or about the past twenty-four hours?  

Do I dare to direct my question, not to myself or to John Mayer or to whatever source he may invoke, but to God?  Do I dare ask, "God, am I living it it right?"

Am I living it right, God?

I hear an answer to my question, Lord, and I can find Scripture to show it comes from You, for the answer is NO. The answer is a bold and resounding NO that I can feel in my heart just as I can understand it in my mind.  Of course I am not living life "right."  I can't even understand completely what right might be!  Even the glimpses of right I can find and understand, I cannot or will not consistently follow.

For we know that the Law is spiritual, but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin.  For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.  But if I do the very thing I do not want to do, I agree with the Law, confessing that the Law is good.  So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me.  For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not.  For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want.  But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me.  I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good.  For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is my members [especially the members of my heart and my mind and my mouth-- my emotions, my thoughts, my words].  Wretched man that I am!  Who will set me free from the body of death?  Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!  So then, on the one hand I myself with mind am serving the law of God but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin. Romans 7:14-25 [personalization to my most sinful parts added]

God, I hear Your answer and read Your Word that I am not and-- the perfectionism and the pride in me recoil-- I cannot be right or be good.  I look at the world around me just a little.   I read a little, I watch the news a little, I study a little, and I talk a little to a few people who know a little, too.  As I do, I find more and more revealed to me that is not right and that is not good, and, Lord, I confess that for a long time now, each revelation has made me more and more bitter and angry.  I have begun to loathe the world and its people-- Your creations-- for their neglect and for their destruction of so many things.  I have despised myself for what I cannot and do not do.  I have festered in frustration knowing that no matter how much I might want it and how diligently I might search for the best ways to bring it about and how much I might work toward it, I can never bring about all the right and the good that I long to see, that I feel deep within me must be possible.  I have grown angry and discontent and disbelieving in You-- how can You be good and so much here on earth be unjust and unbalanced?  I have been angry, in some moments, that this world-- so maladjusted and so broken-- even exists.  What is the point of the turmoil?  Of sickness and death and poverty?  What's more, what is the point of human beings so fallible, so selfish, so weak, so short-sighted that we allow the turmoil, sickness, death, and poverty to exist in a world that also has available in it possibilities of peace, health, life, and plenty?  Why allow humanity to continue when the portion of humanity-- including, I shudder, ME-- that has seems to seek only to have more?  Why allow a world where many die and starve and suffer injustices while few continue building deluded Babels and hoarding treasures in their overstocked, oversized barns and silos?

It has been a long process beginning to understand the role that I play in the economy of a world that breeds poverty, hatred, and war.  I am only beginning to come to terms with my own guilt in a world of injustice, and I have warped my hatred for injustice into hatred for humanity and for its Creator, into bitterness and resentment that the world is not right, and I have blamed the world and my humanity and my Maker for the fact that I am not living right and cannot live right.  That is not the response I want to have any longer.  

Lord, show me the possibility for justice in the world.  Show me the way of redemption that does not delight only in eternal life or in heaven or in crowns or in jewels for the crowns but in LIFE simply because I delight in YOU and simply because YOU created that life to be lived and to be redeemed.  I have to believe that You did not create a world of inevitable evil and hurt.  

The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance.  2 Peter 3:9

Lord, surely, You do not desire the evil or the unfairness but instead love, mercy, and justice.  Continue to reveal to me the evil that I do, and continue to refine in me a vision for the good that I should want to do and should do.  Teach me to live a life that communicates and administers Your loving-kindess to the world.  Amen.

Just a Stirring in My Soul

I wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdict-less life.  Am I living it right?  Am I living it right?  Am I living it right?  Why?  Why, Georgia, why?

So what?  So I've got a smile on?  Well, it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head.  Don't believe me, don't believe me when I say, "I've got it down."

Still, "everything happens for a reason" is no reason not to ask myself if I'm living it right.

Am I living it right?

-- who else but John Mayer?  "Why Georgia"