A Good, Good Father

"Good Good Father" by Housefires

I wanted to post a status on Facebook about this song, a new favorite on my playlists and a regular at Well House North, the church I've been attending lately (more on that topic later too, maybe). But I think I have too much on my heart for a status, so I think I'll try to get it out right here. 

Let's go bit by bit...

Oh, I've heard a thousand stories

Of what they think You're like.

But I've heard the tender whisper

Of love in the dead of night.

And You tell me that You're pleased 

And that I'm never alone.

• I didn't think about it when I was singing this song this morning, but this first verse is a good complement to the book I started today, Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby, which, so far has said to me that there's head knowledge, and then there's heart knowledge, and knowing God has to include heart knowledge. Our world, our history, our libraries, and our Facebook feeds are filled to the brim with the thousands of stories of what people think God is like and what they think He wants from us. Sometimes it's still unsettling to me that there are so many ways to think about God, so many ways to choose to live life, believing or not believing in a creator of any kind. There's always that whisper, "How do you know what you believe is true?" There's always that old John Mayer refrain this blog and I know so well, "Am I living it right?" Lately, though, God keeps giving me more and more freedom from these questions. His tender whisper of love keeps getting louder, keeps getting more persistent, and is drowning the rest of it out. It's amazing to look back upon the past 16-18 years and think that the first time I remember really hearing those whispers was as a young pre-teen nightmare, back when I spent most of my time filling my parents and grandparents with fear of what was going on with me and filling my pillowcase with tears. Back then, it really was probably in the dead of the night, crumpled over gel-penned diary pages and that dear, old Teen Study Bible, that I heard Him whispering. As kids at school and my own fearful and introverted perceptions of myself told me I was an ugly and undesirable nerd, the whispers were telling me that I was fearfully and wonderfully made.  My Papaw wrote in a card that I resented at the time and see as a foundational moment in my faith now, "God doesn't make junk." In that card was just one of God's whispers, and even when I was fighting them, they started telling me then and keep telling me now that I am loved, not just by my wonderful worldly family but my heavenly Father too. The whispers say even today, this morning at Well House, that I am made in His image.* There are stories of theories and theology, and then there are stories of what God has really done in my life, stories that echo His whispers and tell me that I  am truly never alone, whispers that assure me that He Is, that He Is good, and that I am His, in short– 

You're a good, good Father.

It's who You are, it's who You are, it's who You are.

And I'm loved by You.

It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am.      

 Oh, and I've seen many searching 

For answers far and wide.

But I know we're all searching

For answers only You provide.

Because You know just what we need

Before we even say a word.

• The more I teach, the more the world just keeps having the same conflicts and imperfections and injustices over and over again, the more I watch the news in spite of avoiding it, and the more I read wars on Facebook, the more I see we're all broken and in need of salvation and the more I see that we all spend a whole lot of time struggling against what we think is wrong and justifying why we think we are right. The more I see of it, the more I'm convinced we're all searching for the same answers. One way to respond to that is to decide that all answers are valid since we're all just seekers. That's certainly the most popular these days. We're all about choosing our own truths. And certainly everyone can do that, and I'm for allowing that because I think freedom, in a worldly sense, requires that. But I personally am not satisfied with worldly freedom. I want freedom and peace beyond what this world can provide, and I am more convinced with every book of the Bible I read or reread, every interaction I have with true brothers and sisters in Christ, every whisper God continues to whisper, that He is the one and only answer to all of our questions and searching. Through all my revisions and re-revisions, through all of my quarter- and third- life crises of identity, this remains true–

You're a good, good Father.

It's who You are, it's who You are, it's who You are.

And I'm loved by You.

It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am.  

Because You are perfect in all of Your ways! 

You are perfect in all of Your ways!

You are perfect in all of Your ways to us!

•  I want so much to be perfect. In fact, it's pretty much a defining statement of who I am and always have been. Much of my pre-teen misery stemmed from wanting to be perfect, and some of my most important crises of faith have centered on my frustration that I am not made with the capability to be perfect. There was even a time when I thought that maybe I didn't want a God who would hold me accountable for perfection while not making it attainable to me. Except, praise God, I finally realized, that perfection is only unattainable to me in my own power. God is perfect. And Christ will work to perfect me through His Holy Spirit, just as He is perfect. I always knew this in head knowledge, I guess. But, when it finally became heart knowledge, it set me free of so much frustration, so much resentment against my God, whom I should only love, and so much false trust in my self. Again, in this, there is a popular worldly solution– believing that I'm perfect just the way I am and am in no need of change. But I know deep down that isn't true, and it just never satisfies. There is perfection, and it is God who is perfect. When I understand and when I don't, He is perfect. And there is so much joyful freedom in proclaiming it.    

Oh, it's love so undeniable, 

I can hardly speak. 

Peace so unexplainable

I can hardly think.

As You call me deeper still,

As You call me deeper still,

As You call me deeper still,

into love, love, love ...  

• Last Sunday, the prayers on my heart all had to do with water and depth– wanting the faith to get out of the boat and walk on the water to my Lord. This song connects here too. Deeper still. Deeper still. The wonder and love of God are so great, growing greater in my feeble eyes every year, and I just want to go, to be, to live deeper still in His love. 

* It's heart-stoppingly striking to think about the implications of all of this in the middle school world around which my universe revolves. One, these children who fill my days, thoughts, and conversations are made in the image of God. God is well pleased with them and loves them and is their Father.  Do I look at them as if they are bearers of the image of my Creator and Savior? Do I love them as if they are? Do I love them as Jesus does? Two, I was right around their age when I first began to hear His whispers telling me that about myself. Have I opened myself up, have I trusted God to use me as an instrument for those life-giving whispers in the lives of these precious little image-bearers? (Perhaps more on this later, too.) In the meantime, my constant prayer must be– Lord, help me! 

A Long Silence

I've never been a very consistent blogger, but I've been almost nonexistent on this page for way too long now. As the school year draws to a close, maybe I can start writing and posting again. There's certainly been a lot on my mind... 

She Reads Truth– Longing for the Word

I have to share because I am so excited! I became hooked on She Reads Truth, a daily devotional app, during Advent, and I can't wait to continue with it in the new year. I was already anxious for January 1 for the study of the Gospel of John to begin, and this morning, I awoke to this announcement that She Reads Truth is unrolling a read-the-Bible-in-a-year plan on January 1 as well (and they hinted that a study of Esther, the first book of the Bible that gripped me as a little girl, might be the next study!).  

Before I launch into the meandering musing that is me and this blog, forgetting about any audience besides myself, let me get to the main points so you can stop here if you're just interested in the Facebook tagline for this post: 

• She Reads Truth is a great devotional app. You can read all of the plans for free on the website, and you can download the app for free on your phone. Some plans are free on the phone as well, and some cost a very small amount–barely more than a song on iTunes– and I have found the $2 very much worth the convenience of being able to read the Bible and devotional on my phone during times I would have normally wasted on Facebook or Instagram. Most mornings, I read the day's Scripture and commentary on my phone while I blow-dry my hair. I don't mean to sound like the Bible isn't worth reading when it isn't convenient or like I'm advocating it being reduced to something to turn to when you're bored... just that it's great to have it right there with me all the time and that for me it's a welcome, much more fulfilling replacement to Facebook scrolling, what I used to do to begin my day.
• I am going to continue with She Reads Truth this year, reading both whatever plan is current (John, starting in January) and the read-the-Bible-in-a-year plan. Each day's reading is not very long, but they are all wonderful, and my hope is that committing to the small bit of Scripture on my phone every morning will help me re-prioritize and will whet my appetite even more to turn to more Scripture and to Jesus throughout the day. 
• I hope others will join me! Earlier this year, I asked on Facebook if anyone would be interested in studying the Bible together, and a few people showed some interest, though everyone of course had the caveat of being very busy. I hear you, friends. Me too. What I'm thinking, though, is that the She Reads Truth plans could be perfect for some of us who want to study together. We can all read these daily Scriptures and devotionals to keep us on track no matter how often or not we are able to meet. Maybe we could all start reading John together in January (If you start later, it's easy to catch up!), and when school starts back, we could work out a schedule to meet for dinner or coffee or at school one afternoon or at someone's house to talk about what we've experienced reading. She Reads Truth also has a comments section after every reading where people share in an online Bible study of sorts. We could use that feature or a text or email thread of our own to participate together on days we have thoughts or questions or concerns to share with one another between meetings. Even people who can't meet in person at all or can't meet consistently could still be a part that way! 
• Here's a link to She Reads Truth and a link to the announcement about the Bible-in-a-year-plan: 
• She Reads Truth
• 365 Days of Truth

I love that my "short" version above turned out be so long-winded. Ah well. Now... back to my heart... read on if you want... 

I constantly struggle with actually reading the Bible. It is something I honestly love to do... when I do it. I could put reading the Bible on the same list with blogging, journaling, writing, praying, calling my friends and grandparents more, exercising, and reading any book that I haven't assigned myself as homework because it's essential to a lesson plan... These are the many things that I usually do not do that I need to do, not out of any sense of guilt or legalism, not to fulfill any sort of ideal of what kind of person I should be, not to meet some cliche list of New Year's resolutions, but because I want to, because I need to, because they are nourishing to who I am...

Why do I consistently not do such essential things?  Because I am "busy." Read that as– because I don't prioritize well, because I am obsessed with being some kind of super freak of a teacher or something, because my days revolve around lesson plans and grades instead of Jesus.  Really, what I should say there is that my days revolve around me instead of Jesus. And that is not only sad and energy-sapping, it is sin. 

That's not to equate exercise or blogging or even my grandparents with Jesus (though I certainly have seen Jesus and learned so much about Him from my grandparents!), but it is to say that I know that I don't turn to Jesus consistently throughout my day, that I don't look to Him for prioritizing my time and my to-do lists. So many things that never make the top-cut on my to-do list are the very things that help me focus on Jesus. The lack of Scripture and prayer, the lack of connection in relationships, and for me because of how I was made, the lack of journaling and writing are all evidence of a lack of awareness of Jesus in my day. When I am in Him, when I trust Him with my time and my days, those are the things I am drawn into, the ways I see Him expressed and the ways I express Him in my life. 

I keep returning to this passage, Jesus speaking in Matthew 6:25-33 (ESV) when I reflect on these things– 

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on [nor what you will teach at school next week nor how you will find time to grade it]. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all the things will be added to you." 

Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. 
Seek first the kingdom.
Seek first God.
Seek first righteousness. 
First.
Seek FIRST. 

Seeking something so huge and so wonderful as the kingdom of God and His righteousness is much more than reading a devotional on a Bible app. I'm not pretending I'm anywhere close... but it's a step, it's a start... and I'm praying for a reworking of my priorities and my time and my heart today, this new year, and everyday. 

Come, Lord Jesus. 

Finally, one of my favorite Sara Groves songs and some of John 1 (ESV), one of my favorite chapters of the Bible: 

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. 

There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. He came as witness to bear witness about the light, that all might believe through him. He was not the light, but came to bear witness about the light.

The true light, which gives light to everyone, was coming into the world. He was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world did not know him. He came to his own, and his own people did not receive him. But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God. 

And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. (John bore witness about him, and cried out, "This was he of whom I said, 'He who comes after me ranks before me, because he was before me.'") For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God; the only God, who is at the Father's side, he has made him known.

Reading, Tea Drinking, Napping, Reading, Writing

These are a few of my favorite things. 

I started a new blog post about these things because I thought I might have something insightful to say about them, but I don't think I do...

Just that sometimes they're better than grading papers and checking things off to-do lists. 

That sometimes it's okay to have a sneak peek of summer. 

And that more people should have the benefit that teachers do of taking a couple months to reconnect to the important things, like for me– reading, tea drinking, napping, reading, and writing. 

And that everyone should take more time for the things that make them them. 

Even now, there is a nagging voice inside that says, "Grade papers..." Read that in the voice of a cartoon ghost. "Graaaaaade paaaaaapers!" And there is a voice that says I should have read something more worthwhile than a Sherlock Holmes novel. Oh you know, like the Bible, which I absolutely do not read enough. 

And there is conditioned guilt over napping (not enough to stop my habits but enough to ruin the pleasure in them). Why did I have to fall asleep while reading even if it was just for an hour or less? I should have done something... like cleaned the bathroom. Sorry, husband, that our house is such a mess. 

What is it with all this over-examining? 

Jason borrows a line from Seinfeld, "Stuff your sorries in a sack!" and asks why I say I'm sorry all the time and tells me to stop being sorry... even if I should be sorry for letting my chores go undone while he always does his self-imposed chores perfectly and on time.... but there I am being sorry again. 

The point is, I find so many things to regret. Even a glorious afternoon of doing whatever the heck I want gets sullied by the endless coulda-woulda-shouldas in my head. 

"Am I living it right?" playing incessantly even on the small things. "Why, Georgia, why?"

Why sorry?
Why unsure?
Why regretful? 

Why don't I just enjoy my book and my Sherlock obsession and my tea and my nap? 

Last summer's resolution was to love teaching. 
Here's this year's resolution– to love what I do when I do it and not question or regret or wonder. Just drink my tea and relax and smile and be happy. Or work and smile and be happy. 

At least sometimes, in the right times and seasons. 
And I think today is one of those times. 

There is nothing better for a man than to eat and drink and tell himself that his labor is good. This also I have seen that it is from the hand of God. For who can eat and who can have enjoyment without Him?  –Ecclesiastes 2:24-25

A Playlist for Christians/Teachers/Anyone Part 3: The Only Thing We Need

What's the only thing we need?

Smaller classes?

More time? 

More coffee?

Spring break?

Summer vacation?!

Yes, but no. The only thing we need is Christ. Over and over, every day, I have to say it over and over and beg God to remind me that He is my only sufficiency. These songs are great reminders.

"Beloved" by Derek Webb

This song is written as a beautiful love song from Christ. If we are to understand Song of Solomon, at least at one level, as an allegory of Christ and His love for His Church, we are the Beloved, and this song weaves together different parts of Scripture to speak what Christ might speak to His Church in this day. 

Beloved, listen to me. Don't believe all that you see. And don't you ever let anyone tell you that there's anything that you need but Me. 

Beloved, there is nothing more- no more blessings and no more rewards than the treasure of My body and blood given freely to all daughters and sons. 

I look for so many other rewards– happiness, peace, success, fulfillment– when there is nothing better than the treasure I have in Christ. How could I ever want anything else? 

"The Well" by Casting Crowns

Well, looky here, some mainstream music made the cut. :-) It's rare that a song that actually gets radio play makes it to one of my favorites playlists. I guess it's because radio songs are usually so safe and cliche, without saying very much, but this one is amazing.  It's also written from the perspective of Christ, with language that is connected to what He actually does say in Scripture and what Paul actually does write of Him. 

I love the first part:

Leave it all behind. (Repeat, repeat, repeat, because it takes constant reminders.)

I have what you need, but you keep on searching.

I've done all the work, but you keep on working. 

When you're running on empty, and you can't find the remedy,

Just come to the Well.

(Ain't that the truth? Sowing and reaping the whirlwind, that's me. Thirsting when Living Water is so easily attainable... We can just go to the Well!)

I also love the list of things to leave behind in the last part: 

your pursuit of perfection (ding, ding, ding, Natalie Coleman!)

your fear of rejection

your temporary pleasures

all of your earthly treasures

dried up, empty religion 

rusty chains of addiction

all the guilt that weighs you down

Jesus said that His burden was light. He told the woman at Jacob's well that He could give her water that would make her never thirst again. 

He extends the same invitation to each of us.

So, I put down the papers to grade, put down the heavy tote bag, the gigantic crate... put down my hope in making my own life valuable through my work, put down my dependence on the opinions others have of me, put down my attempts at self reliance, put down my trust in earthly things... 

And go to the well, knowing Jesus is all I need, all that matters. 

Facebook Reflection Part 2

As I've continued to think about my post about Facebook yesterday and about my obsessive relationship to Facebook comments and blog posts and all writing I ever let free for public consumption, I've realized that there is a more important layer to this fixation I have on any conversation I start on Facebook or any post I put on my blog.

This fixation, this fascination with every comment on every post is the writer in me trying to tell it all correctly, trying to make sure everything written is just as it should be and to add and amend if it isn't. 

When I am writing, when I am writing anything, even a Facebook status, I am exercising this voice my writing gives me. I am trying out these words I like to taste and measure and place in just the right places. More, I am stating my position, staking my claim in the dialogue, and I want whatever I say to be right, to be true, to be insightful. 

Perhaps that seems arrogant. I am a bit arrogant after all. Anyone who writes and releases it for others to read has to be a little bit, right? How could you think anyone would care what you have to say if you didn't have at least enough arrogance to think, "Someone might want to read this or care what it says...."? 

Anyway, what I'm really getting at here, in this post that would be better suited for a journal than a post because I don't know what I'm saying yet and am just discovering it as I'm saying it... what I'm really getting at here is that there's a part of me that thinks I have some things worth saying. 

About education and how it's legislated.
About  the craft, the art, the sacrifice, the beautiful torture of teaching and about making it matter for students.
About myself and who I am and why, and I think that can extend to others–
About people and why they do what they do and how some things should be done differently.
About books and songs and beauty. 
About life and why and how I want to live it. 
About spirituality and the Bible and the body of Christ. 

Now, I'm not arrogant enough to say I have all or any of the answers about those things– just that I have some things I want to say. 

And I keep thinking that maybe I'm missing opportunities I should be seizing to make my voice heard, especially when it comes to education and to Christianity– the two great fascinations of my life. I'm realizing that God, Christ, Spirit should be the one and only great fascination, so maybe I've said that wrong, but, for better or for worse, as I'm still in progress, there are no conversations that wrap me up as intensely as those about education and about this life of trying to follow Jesus and what it is and what it should be. 

And I just want to talk about those things, write about those things, share those things, hash out those things, edify and be edified in those things. I want comments sections– while I fear them and fret over them so much that I find myself considering a Facebook detox– I want comments sections to be a place where truth is found together, where everyone works together with their different perspectives to find the truth that incorporates and enlightens them all. I am weird. And such an English teacher. 

Anyway, I need to stop this ramble and just post it because why not?  

This is just here to remind me, when I forget, as I keep ignoring this part of me, as I keep keeping writing as a way to survive my own life instead of nurturing it into something that could matter... could it matter?... this is is just here to remind me and to admit to myself and my readers, my friends... there is a part of me that thinks I should be speaking up, using my words as a way to share truth and Truth. 

But maybe not. 
Stay tuned. 

Facebook: A Confession and Reflection

Confession: I think I have a problem with Facebook.

It is always a part of my day, while many things infinitely more important (the Bible, prayers, phone calls home, just to name a few) don't always make the cut in my "busy life."  I know that I spend too much time on it. I know that I check the app on my phone too compulsively, not because there's anything I care to see but because those red update numbers are there (or even aren't) and because it's just what I do if there's an empty moment, no matter how short. I know that I use it to procrastinate, getting lost on it when I'm tired because it's easier to keep scrolling and clicking than to get off the couch or do whatever work I'm putting off. I also know that I am too apt to get up in arms about something I see posted, too likely to post something myself that might get others up in arms,  too tempted to make comments when I should probably stay social-network-silent, too prone to spend too much time thinking about whatever article or comment or conversation that's caught my attention, too easily distracted by thoughts about what I've contributed, worrying about others'  reactions– possible disagreements, misunderstandings, whatever.

I've gotten better about not jumping into Facebook debates too rashly, though I still have my share of contentious conversations  when I should probably just limit my Facebook interactions to things like "How fun!" and "What a cute baby!" and just let it be what it's supposed to be– social.

But here's where Facebook and my relationship with it lead to a reflection of who I am– I'm not very good at anything purely social, not good at relationships that stay at the "What a cute baby!" level (though I am all about my friends' cute babies). There's only so long I can have a relationship that doesn't go further. I am really more into relationships and conversations that go a bit deeper, at least some/most of the time. 

Don't get me wrong– I'm plenty superficial on Facebook. I love Facebook as an outlet for whatever obsession I feel compelled to share at the time– Dolly Parton movies, new John Mayer albums, articles about Taylor Swift, updates from my husband's music page, books I'm reading, songs I can't quit playing on repeat, pictures of my husband and me or my sisters and me. And I love seeing the same kinds of posts from my friends. They represent the first basic exchange of information in relationships– interests, hobbies, things you love, what's going on in your life. I can use Facebook for that purpose ad nauseam. (I mean, if you don't want to know how many weeks, days, and hours until the new John Mayer album or read lyrics from the new album for a week after it comes out, you need to hide me from your newsfeed. I know I'm obnoxious. Sorry, but I've gotta let it out somehow, or I would explode. It's a Neas family characteristic to be obsessive and to insist on sharing the ecstasy of the obsession, even with people who neither get it nor care, and it's not a gene I want to fight.) 

I love this aspect of relationship, and I love when Facebook makes it possible to know this first layer of people better... through photos of vacations and babies, lyrics and quotations in statuses, shared articles and videos, all that typical newsfeed stuff. 

But I love the next layer of relationship even more– the part where you share beyond your interests and characteristics into your thoughts, your beliefs, your opinions– what you think of life and the world and why. These are the conversations I like to have with best friends and with new friends, and so I do tend to try to push Facebook to that level... and maybe that's just not a good idea. Thoughts and beliefs and opinions turn too much into politics, and maybe Facebook isn't the place– too many people who could be hurt or offended, too many people who could misunderstand, too many people involved. And, if nothing else, maybe it's just not worth the time it takes to engage in these kinds of conversations over a social network.

It's definitely not worth the time I get sucked in reading things that don't contribute to relationships at all, at any level.  

I try to focus my newsfeed and my attention to my closest friends. I try (largely unsuccessfully) to resist the urge to follow ads to online shopping websites or to click on viral videos it doesn't really matter if I ever see or not. I follow NPR and TIME, trying to make my incessant newsfeed scrolling worth something a little more, but I find I still tend to click on dumb popular culture articles more than anything newsworthy or important, even from these sources. 

There is always the inevitable stupor and waste of time.

So maybe I should say goodbye to Facebook, sign off, or at least limit myself, cut my time on it down to next to nothing, take that time for face-to-face relationships, for phone calls, for reading and for prayer. 

Hmmm... do I think so? Am I willing? I'm still working it out, but perhaps I will disappear soon. It might at least be worth the experiment.