The Real Me?

"Who am I?" I challenged my students to ask themselves earlier this year. 


Well, who am I?


Where do I put my identity?


My husband fears it is too wrapped up in him and that's why I'm so broken while he's gone... I'm sure there's a lot of truth to that... and a lot of that comes from my lifelong identity issue...


I've always put too much emphasis on being good, whatever might be my (or everyone else's) definition of good at the time. 


I've gone through so many phases of identity-- the dork, the dreamer, the smart kid, the writer, the valedictorian, the small town princess,  the semi-Vandy Vandy girl, the Nashville suburb plebeian,the single girl, the girlfriend, the fiance, the wife, the wife with a husband on the road, the student, the student, the student teacher, the teacher... the teacher... the teacher?


Doesn't one have to know to teach?


Degree? Check. Highly qualified? Check. Ideals and hopes? Check.


Actual know-how... well I don't even know exactly what I'm supposed to know how to do.


Who am I?


And who should I be?

Revisiting My Fave Jaci Velasquez song

People think I've got it all together
With the show and my sweet, sweet smile
But do they know if I've been happy ever
Pull up a chair 'cause this may take a while
O.K. so here's the thing

I've got my bad days, and some are even worse
I can be a blessing and you know, I can be a curse
I tremble at rejection, I'm scared to be alone
Sometimes I may be selfish, but I always make it home

This is the real me
Am I the girl that you want me to be
This is the real me
With flaws and fears of intimacy
This is the real me
Can you face it
Can you feel it
Can you take it
Can you deal with
The real me

So now you see that I am far from perfect
I will fall and I will make mistakes (oh, no)
But I am here and this has taken courage
Will you abandon me or will you stay
(Please stay with me)

I know that I'm demanding and sometimes insecure
I think I've got the answers, but then I'm not so sure
I sometimes need attention a little more than I should
But there is a part of me that would give the whole world if I could

This is the real me
Am I the girl that you want me to be
This is the real me
With flaws and fears of intimacy
This is the real me
Can you face it
Can you feel it
Can you take it
Can you deal with
The real me

Now I've gone and let you in
And I no longer will pretend
Will you please still be my friend
Will you please still be my friend
Do you see me now

This is the real me
Am I the girl that you want me to be
This is the real me
Real me

This is the real me
Am I the girl that you want me to be
This is the real me
With flaws and fears of intimacy
This is the real me
Can you face it
Can you feel it
Can you take it
Can you deal with
The real me

This is the real me
Oh, here I am now
This is the real me
With all my flaws and fears
This is the real me
Can you face it
Can you feel it
Can you take it
Can you deal with
The real me

Hang on...

Here comes everything filling up my mind that I can post in a short amount of time...

Musical Supplement to the Parable of Two Lost Sons

There are two sides to every person
Like the two sides of a dime
Heads or tails it depends upon
Who's watching at the time
Though I hate to say it
Mine is no exception
One part is the prodigal
The other part: deception
Like the prince and the pauper
Like Jacob and his brother
Each hide a different heart
Each a shadow of the other
Me and my doppelganger
Both share the same blood
One I have hated
The other have I loved
One of them's the Golden Boy
The man I'd like to be I show him off in the parades
For all the world to see
The other is much weaker
He stumbles all the time
The source of my embarrassment
He's the one I try to hide
The Golden boy is made of straw
His finest suit will surely burn
His vice is the virtue
That he never had to earn
The prodigal's been broken
And emptied at the wishing well
But he's stronger for the breaking
With a story to tell
I'm not easy with confessions
It's hard to tell the truth
But I have favored the golden boy
While the other I've abused
And he takes it like a man
Though he's longing like a child
To be loved and forgiven
And share the burden for awhile
So take a good look in the mirror
Tell me who you see
The one who Jesus died for
Or the one you'd rather be
Can you find it in your heart
To show mercy to the one
The Father loved so much
That he gave his only son...


--"The Golden Boy & The Prodigal" by Jason Gray

Looking, Breathing

I've been looking in books, looking in songs, looking in friends.

All my looking, I think, has finally brought me some glimpses of my aim-- glimpses of God.

In a word, in a lyric, in a conversation and a smile, I breathe a few much-needed breaths.

But I need more than breaths.  I need an expanse of air, a lung transplant, a heart beating properly.

I need God.  I need to look for Him in Him.

Weird revelation, right?  I've been looking everywhere, and I feel like I've started to see.  So why am I scared to look for Him in Him?  What's my hang-up?

I'm so scared of over-mysticism of faith.  I feel like everything I've ever learned about reading the Bible and praying has been a little off somehow, and it's been so long since I did either regularly without doing so as a duty-driven routine.  I remember a time when both sprang from genuine delight in them both-- delight in God, and I want that back.  I want God back.  I want to find Him in Him.

Lord, teach me to pray.

I Need.

There are two ways to be your  own Savior and Lord.  One is by breaking all the moral laws and setting your own course, and one is by keeping all the moral laws and being very, very good... Jesus's message, which is the "true gospel," is a completely different spirituality.  The gospel of Jesus is not religion or irreligion, morality or immorality, moralism or relativism, conservatism or liberalism.  Nor is it something halfway along a spectrum between two poles-- it is something else altogether.  The gospel is distinct from the other two approaches: In its view, everyone is wrong, everyone is loved, and everyone is called to recognize this and change... Jesus says: "The humble are in and the proud are out" (see Luke 18:14).  The people who confess they aren't particularly good or open-minded are moving toward God, because the prerequisite for receiving the grace of God is to know you need it... When a newspaper posed the question, "What's Wrong with the World?" the Catholic thinker G. K. Chesterton reputedly wrote a brief letter in response: "Dear Sirs: I am.  Sincerely Yours, G. K. Chesterton." That is the attitude of someone who has grasped the message of Jesus.   

The above selection from Keller's Prodigal God touches my heart in the same place seared by the words of Hart's hymn in the post below.

"Let not conscience make you linger, nor of fitness fondly dream.  All the fitness He requires is to feel your need of Him." 

Feel my need.  Need.  Need.  Need.  I keep thinking about all the ways I try to make need go away.  I am uncomfortable owing, and I don't like to admit need for anything from money to driving directions and from the time of others to the grace of God.  Needing translates to weakness.  To debt.  To the stress of trying to keep up, trying to stay on even terms with everyone.  I don't want to need more than I am needed.  I want to give more than others can give to me.  I don't need anything...

I like to think my John Mayer-esque philosophy of uncertainty "Am I living it right?" is a testament to my  constant quest for the right answers and the right way to live, but maybe it's really an attempt to get out of needing-- to get out of needing God's right answers and His grace when I can't live up to them.    What I tend to ignore in my search for "rightness" is the fact that I'm never going to "live it right" because I'll always have to straddle the two thoughts of right living that Keller identifies.  I'll always struggle with conventional rightness and morality, always question how any one set of conventions can be right when so many cultures and perspectives have their own definitions of right and when the notions of right from any one view are always changing.  Yet I'll never be satisfied completely by any course of rightness that I set for myself.  I have an arrogant amount of faith in my own opinion, I'll admit, but not enough confidence to be sure I can accurately determine what's right or actually live that right out if I can even identify it.  So it all comes down to need.  Not just need, a need for divinity.  Need for God, need for a Savior.

I have to admit-- amidst all my soul-searching, all my reading, all my discussing, all my pondering-- that I just flat out can't do it.  I can't figure it out.  I can't find someone else who has figured it out.  I can't study enough to put together pieces of rightness into one picture of what life should be, and I can't live that perfection either.  I can't.  I need.

My idolatry lies in looking for answers from humans, from my brain, from my heart.  I want something to prove itself so right that I can do it and never fear that I have it wrong.  I want to be completely confident that I'm living a life that is pleasing to God and that is right and just.  All of my searching and all of my attempts to be the right kind of Christian are what the hymn articulates; all I'm doing is fondly dreaming of fitness, looking for a way to be satisfied in my own soul that I am living life the right way.

What I should be doing is something entirely different.  What I should be doing is learning to feel my need more acutely, acknowledging my need, embracing my need, loving the one who fulfills those needs, living in gratitude.

I am what's wrong with the world.  God, You are what is right.  Make me love Your rightness in worship of You and in service to others.  Help my soul to feel and know its need and to delight in You in its fulfillment from only You.  

I Will Arise and Go To Jesus!

Come, Ye Sinners (adapted from the words of Joseph Hart, 1759)

I will arise and go to Jesus,

He will embrace me in His arms;

In the arms of my dear Savior,

Oh, there are ten thousand charms.

Come, ye sinners, poor and wretched,
Weak and wounded, sick and sore;
Jesus, ready, stands to save you,
Full of pity, joined with power.
He is able, He is able;
He is willing; doubt no more.

Come ye needy, come, and welcome,
God's free bounty glorify;
True belief and true repentance,
Every grace that brings you nigh.
Without money, without money
Come to Jesus Christ and buy.

Come, ye weary, heavy laden,
Bruised and broken by the fall;
If you tarry 'til you're better,
You will never come at all.
Not the righteous, not the righteous;
Sinners Jesus came to call.

Let not conscience make you linger,
Nor of fitness fondly dream;
All the fitness He requires
Is to feel your need of Him.
This He gives you, this He gives you,
'Tis the Spirit's rising beam.

Lo! The Incarnate God, ascended;
Pleads the merit of His blood.
Venture on Him; venture wholly,
Let no other trust intrude.
None but Jesus, none but Jesus
Can do helpless sinners good.