Captivate Us

Just a Genius recommendation on my iTunes this morning from the band Watermark... it caught my attention, and it is an appropriate prayer for me this morning.


Your face is beautiful
And Your eyes are like the stars
Your gentle hands have healing
There inside the scars
Your loving arms they draw me near
And Your smile it brings me peace
Draw me closer oh my Lord
Draw me closer Lord to Thee

(chorus)
Captivate us, Lord Jesus
Set our eyes on You
Devastate us with Your presence
Falling down
And rushing river, draw us nearer
Holy fountain consume us with You
Captivate us Lord Jesus, with You

Your voice is powerful
And Your words are radiant bright
In Your breath and shadow
I will come close and abide
You whisper love and life divine
And Your fellowship is free
Draw me closer O my Lord
Draw me closer Lord to Thee

(chorus)

Let everything be lost in the shadows
Of the light of Your face
Let every chain be broken from me
As I’m bound in Your grace
For Your yoke is easy, Your burden is light
You’re full of wisdom, power and might
And every eye will see You

Awake

What a feeling.

To wake up and not be tired. To feel my eyes be completely open while I'm still lying in bed. No shower or coffee to trick me into being awake. I'm really awake.

Rested, comfortable, breathing in the smells of detergent and fabric softener in freshly cleaned sheets and looking around at sunlight streaming in through cracks in the blinds, smiling because the sunlight does not illuminate a layer of dust or a pile of clothes on my dresser this morning but instead shines on the wood finish and a picture frame with our favorite wedding snapshot.

Why do I deprive myself of this? What do I think I am accomplishing living life in a frenzy?

Can I truly commit to a life lived in the slow lane...  Can slow and steady win the race?

When we read the fable of the tortoise and the hare in class this year, the stated moral was "plodding wins the race." It's tough for me to see myself as a plodder, especially as I just looked up the definition to find that plodding, according to the dictionary widget on my computer, when referring to a person, means "thorough and hardworking but lacking in imagination or intelligence."

That's hilarious to me right now. I'm picturing myself as an old wrinkled tortoise plodding along, working like a drone, devoid of two qualities I most want to be part of me-- imagination and intelligence.

But here's the thing.... the life I'm living right now is what stands to make me a drone. Running like I am, almost with blinders on, so single-mindedly rushing toward one set of goals-- that's what will strip me of imagination and intelligence.

There's something to be said for being single-minded in purpose, but there's no merit in forcing forward long after the purpose has dissolved from the stress of the rushing. 

Many times in my life I have been driving with only a vague idea of where I'm going. I know my intended destination-- my purpose-- but I only half know how to get there. Or, many times, I have known exactly how to get there by one route but have an idea about what might be a shortcut and take my chances taking it... in those times I drive with stress, talking to myself aloud in the car, "Is it this exit? I don't know. This doesn't look right. Great job, Nat. Shoot, where should I turn around?" I take the same road a couple different times in different directions; I backtrack. I take shortcuts that extend my trip minutes and hours. Sometimes I call someone to ask for help, but usually I'm too embarrassed or stubborn for that too and keep racing from street to street trying to find my way to where I'm going. Usually, I end up having to go back to a street I know and start again, take the long way I should have taken in the first place.

That's my life now-- knowing what I want and toppling head first into trying to get there without having a firm hold on my directions, busying myself with supposed shortcuts and side streets until all I am is lost and confused.

I just want a slow drive. Instead of trying to squeeze my time for every moment of possible productivity and leaving so late I have to speed to my destination, I want to leave with time to spare and relax on the ride. I want to know where I'm going or maybe even have enough time to get lost and meander a bit on the way, learning from my explorations as I do. I want my life to be the beautiful backroads where I first learned to drive-- winding through mountains and creeks, trees and hills dotted with flowers and grazing livestock. Sunshine is a different color out there somehow. The way I see the world is colored with it. Fresh. Warm. Majestic. And simple at the same time. Nothing has to be so complicated. I have faith in where I am and where I'm going and why. I know that I am a piece of something bigger, and I, cliche as it drives me crazy that this is, I see God where I am. What can these mountains be without Him? How can I have something inside me that adores and feels happiness and peace without Him? He must exist for such glories and for such feelings of experiencing glory to exist.

Plodding. Plodding. It's the slow moments that make imagination and sharpening of intelligence possible, not the other way around. 

I was a girl of imagination, of stories, of words. I want to be a woman of that too.

So I'm going to stop living life in a rush.

And it's funny... I have this feeling that I'll probably get more done that way, with my intelligence, my imagination, my faith, and my love of life intact.

Clock. Composed in Ten Minutes.

Ten 'til ten in the penultimate month of two-thousand-ten.

1987.

How did I get from 1987 to here? 

I am twenty-three years old. My parents are younger than many of the people who share my job and my mission. I am twenty-three... less than double the age of the students I struggle so to reach.

I am still a child, aren't I? Isn't there still plenty of time?

No. Because it is now only seven 'til ten in the first week of November and my students don't know that this sentence is a fragment and that it's okay anyway if I want it to be. Because my students have learned you can't start a sentence with because because of sentence fragments like this one when really you can. Because the subordinate clause of this sentence precedes an independent clause, this sentence beginning with because is complex and correct.

But why do I care that my students don't know that again? And why does it matter that I do? 

Here's a subordinate clause for me-- "Unless the Lord builds the house."

And here's the independent clause it has to have to be complete that sends shivers through my soul-- "the builders build in vain."

In vain.

In vain...

What a heart-wrenching little prepositional phrase.

What if it's all in vain? It certainly feels in vain.

God, where is Your glory in this? Lord, where are you in a world where children's lives are in my hands? What a sin that I think they're in my hands... they aren't.... they're in Yours. Lord, why can't I remember that? Because it doesn't feel like it... there was that fragment again. Fragment. Like my thinking. Fragments. Like my ideals. Fragments. Like my dreams and heart and soul and spirit. Fragments.

I have fragments of time, fragments of focus, fragments of answers.

Lord, I have to believe somewhere there is Whole and Complete, and it has to be You.

Ten o'clock on a November night in 2010. And I'm writing in fragments... looking for what can make me whole....

Racing and Striving... Why?

Unless the LORD builds the house, 
   the builders labor in vain. 
Unless the LORD watches over the city, 
   the guards stand watch in vain. 
In vain you rise early 
   and stay up late, 
toiling for food to eat— 
   for he grants sleep to those he loves.


--Psalm 127:1-2

Rushing and racing, and running in circles,

Moving so fast, I'm forgetting my purpose...

Sometimes I fear that I might disappear

In the blur of fast-forward, I falter again

Forgetting to breathe, I need to sleep, I'm getting nowhere...

--Emmy Rossom "Slow Me Down"

Cease striving, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among nations, I will be exalted in the earth.


--Psalm 46:10

The Real Me?

"Who am I?" I challenged my students to ask themselves earlier this year. 


Well, who am I?


Where do I put my identity?


My husband fears it is too wrapped up in him and that's why I'm so broken while he's gone... I'm sure there's a lot of truth to that... and a lot of that comes from my lifelong identity issue...


I've always put too much emphasis on being good, whatever might be my (or everyone else's) definition of good at the time. 


I've gone through so many phases of identity-- the dork, the dreamer, the smart kid, the writer, the valedictorian, the small town princess,  the semi-Vandy Vandy girl, the Nashville suburb plebeian,the single girl, the girlfriend, the fiance, the wife, the wife with a husband on the road, the student, the student, the student teacher, the teacher... the teacher... the teacher?


Doesn't one have to know to teach?


Degree? Check. Highly qualified? Check. Ideals and hopes? Check.


Actual know-how... well I don't even know exactly what I'm supposed to know how to do.


Who am I?


And who should I be?

Revisiting My Fave Jaci Velasquez song

People think I've got it all together
With the show and my sweet, sweet smile
But do they know if I've been happy ever
Pull up a chair 'cause this may take a while
O.K. so here's the thing

I've got my bad days, and some are even worse
I can be a blessing and you know, I can be a curse
I tremble at rejection, I'm scared to be alone
Sometimes I may be selfish, but I always make it home

This is the real me
Am I the girl that you want me to be
This is the real me
With flaws and fears of intimacy
This is the real me
Can you face it
Can you feel it
Can you take it
Can you deal with
The real me

So now you see that I am far from perfect
I will fall and I will make mistakes (oh, no)
But I am here and this has taken courage
Will you abandon me or will you stay
(Please stay with me)

I know that I'm demanding and sometimes insecure
I think I've got the answers, but then I'm not so sure
I sometimes need attention a little more than I should
But there is a part of me that would give the whole world if I could

This is the real me
Am I the girl that you want me to be
This is the real me
With flaws and fears of intimacy
This is the real me
Can you face it
Can you feel it
Can you take it
Can you deal with
The real me

Now I've gone and let you in
And I no longer will pretend
Will you please still be my friend
Will you please still be my friend
Do you see me now

This is the real me
Am I the girl that you want me to be
This is the real me
Real me

This is the real me
Am I the girl that you want me to be
This is the real me
With flaws and fears of intimacy
This is the real me
Can you face it
Can you feel it
Can you take it
Can you deal with
The real me

This is the real me
Oh, here I am now
This is the real me
With all my flaws and fears
This is the real me
Can you face it
Can you feel it
Can you take it
Can you deal with
The real me

Hang on...

Here comes everything filling up my mind that I can post in a short amount of time...