To wake up and not be tired. To feel my eyes be completely open while I'm still lying in bed. No shower or coffee to trick me into being awake. I'm really awake.
Rested, comfortable, breathing in the smells of detergent and fabric softener in freshly cleaned sheets and looking around at sunlight streaming in through cracks in the blinds, smiling because the sunlight does not illuminate a layer of dust or a pile of clothes on my dresser this morning but instead shines on the wood finish and a picture frame with our favorite wedding snapshot.
Why do I deprive myself of this? What do I think I am accomplishing living life in a frenzy?
Can I truly commit to a life lived in the slow lane... Can slow and steady win the race?
When we read the fable of the tortoise and the hare in class this year, the stated moral was "plodding wins the race." It's tough for me to see myself as a plodder, especially as I just looked up the definition to find that plodding, according to the dictionary widget on my computer, when referring to a person, means "thorough and hardworking but lacking in imagination or intelligence."
That's hilarious to me right now. I'm picturing myself as an old wrinkled tortoise plodding along, working like a drone, devoid of two qualities I most want to be part of me-- imagination and intelligence.
But here's the thing.... the life I'm living right now is what stands to make me a drone. Running like I am, almost with blinders on, so single-mindedly rushing toward one set of goals-- that's what will strip me of imagination and intelligence.
There's something to be said for being single-minded in purpose, but there's no merit in forcing forward long after the purpose has dissolved from the stress of the rushing.
Many times in my life I have been driving with only a vague idea of where I'm going. I know my intended destination-- my purpose-- but I only half know how to get there. Or, many times, I have known exactly how to get there by one route but have an idea about what might be a shortcut and take my chances taking it... in those times I drive with stress, talking to myself aloud in the car, "Is it this exit? I don't know. This doesn't look right. Great job, Nat. Shoot, where should I turn around?" I take the same road a couple different times in different directions; I backtrack. I take shortcuts that extend my trip minutes and hours. Sometimes I call someone to ask for help, but usually I'm too embarrassed or stubborn for that too and keep racing from street to street trying to find my way to where I'm going. Usually, I end up having to go back to a street I know and start again, take the long way I should have taken in the first place.
That's my life now-- knowing what I want and toppling head first into trying to get there without having a firm hold on my directions, busying myself with supposed shortcuts and side streets until all I am is lost and confused.
I just want a slow drive. Instead of trying to squeeze my time for every moment of possible productivity and leaving so late I have to speed to my destination, I want to leave with time to spare and relax on the ride. I want to know where I'm going or maybe even have enough time to get lost and meander a bit on the way, learning from my explorations as I do. I want my life to be the beautiful backroads where I first learned to drive-- winding through mountains and creeks, trees and hills dotted with flowers and grazing livestock. Sunshine is a different color out there somehow. The way I see the world is colored with it. Fresh. Warm. Majestic. And simple at the same time. Nothing has to be so complicated. I have faith in where I am and where I'm going and why. I know that I am a piece of something bigger, and I, cliche as it drives me crazy that this is, I see God where I am. What can these mountains be without Him? How can I have something inside me that adores and feels happiness and peace without Him? He must exist for such glories and for such feelings of experiencing glory to exist.
Plodding. Plodding. It's the slow moments that make imagination and sharpening of intelligence possible, not the other way around.
I was a girl of imagination, of stories, of words. I want to be a woman of that too.
So I'm going to stop living life in a rush.
And it's funny... I have this feeling that I'll probably get more done that way, with my intelligence, my imagination, my faith, and my love of life intact.
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