"Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?"

Deuteronomy 8

"You shall remember all the way which the Lord your God has led you in the wilderness these forty years, that He might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. He humbled you and let you be hungry, and fed you with manna which you did not know know, nor did your fathers know, that He might make you understand that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by everything that proceeds out of the mouth of the Lord." 
vs. 2-3

A book I was reading this afternoon sent me to Deuteronomy 8:2. I was surprised to find it was a chapter I had marked with a sticky note labeled with exclamations of what a great chapter it is and had summed up as "the point of the wilderness." 

The chapter is in context of several chapters of Moses speaking to the Israelites with the purpose of reminding them of the commandments God gave them. In chapter 5, Moses repeated the commandments for them, and chapter 6 has these wonderful verses that I love:

Hear, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord is one! You shall love the Lord you God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

I'm not really sure what it is about these verses. Jesus would later affirm that "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might" is the greatest commandment. That's part of what resonates. Another part is that it always reminds me of my grandparents because my Papaw labeled almost all the pictures in their house with Scripture. When I hear the words from the Psalms "Deep cries out to deep" I see the image of a waterfall my Papaw chose to label with those words. And these verses make me want to be more like my Papaw, labeling everything in my life with the words and commandments of the Lord. I think too that I love it because "You shall bind them as a sign on your hand" speaks to the part of me that says "I should have that tattooed on my arm" all the time when talking about Scripture and lessons God has had to walk me through more times than it should take anyone to learn anything. I want to love the Lord my God with all my heart and all my soul and all my might. I don't. I forget so fast. So I get why even the one greatest commandment needs to be constantly on my heart, the topic of conversation all day, written on the very door of my house. If I ever really did get one of my favorite verses or lessons tattooed on my arm, I would still forget it daily. Isn't that just who we are? 

And I went off topic there, but I didn't really because that's the whole point of these chapters leading up to Deuteronomy 8: Remember. Remember the commandments. Remember what God has done and Who He Is. So back to Deuteronomy 8 and the point of the wilderness and remembering it, in the words of Scripture/my paraphrases scribbled in the margin: 

• to humble you
• to test you
• to know what's in your heart, whether you would keep the commandments
• to demonstrate provision
• to show man lives not by bread alone but by what proceeds from the mouth of the Lord
• to show God disciplines
• so you would walk in God's ways and fear Him
• to do good for you in the end. 

Flipping through Deuteronomy, I see that my notes and highlights are again and again  remember and commandments. But then there is also covenant again and again, each one a reminder of God's faithfulness and goodness. 

In the wilderness He fed you manna which your fathers did not know, that He might humble you and that He might test you, to do good for you in the end. (vs. 16)

In the words of Sara Groves, who in my opinion, outside of Scripture, always puts it best, "And if it comes too quick, I might not appreciate it. Is that the reason behind all this time and sand? And if it comes too quick, I might not recognize it. Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?"

I think yes. And I think the process is necessary. For us to learn Who God Is and let Him tune our hearts to love Him. For us to learn to trust in His provision. For our good in the end. 

I write this hoping maybe, by His grace, I will remember a little more quickly next time the reason behind each moment in the wilderness. 

Stirring Up Deep, Deep Wells and Walking on Water: A Hastily Written Introduction

This is what my copy of Walking on Water by Madeleine L'Engle looks like one chapter in: 

I came home from Well House, my church, this morning full of hope and love and excitement, so grateful God has brought me to a place full of people who make me feel the presence of God because of the way they have drunk deeply from His living water, people who make me want to live more deeply too. I want to write more about that, and maybe I will. If I do, I guarantee it will be steeped in water metaphor. I am so glad that our name is Well House, that our living and being as a community is so intimately connected to the story of Jesus meeting the woman at the well, that one of our favorite songs as a community is a dancing celebration of how "deep cries out to deep" and how we jump into the deep end of God's love and mercy... 

But anyway, I came home in that place of feeling filled and overflowing, and I planned to turn my energy into energy for cleaning house—a showing of love for my husband who appreciates that gesture of love perhaps above all others, a love language I am still learning—and I planned to listen to the message from Well House that I missed last week while I worked. (Back to Well House, I have never missed being somewhere like I miss being at Well House. I only missed one week, and today I felt like it had been months, and I was so glad to be there again, so eager to go back and hear what I missed while I was gone. What an amazing feeling!) 

Anyway, the point of that is I went to get my computer from my school bag so that I could use it to listen to the message while I was working, but in my school bag near my computer was the book Walking on Water, which I bought at a friend's recommendation this week, and, on a whim, I decided to let myself read a chapter before starting to work. 

And, back to where I started this journal entry of a blog, the picture above is what my copy of that first chapter looks like already. I am in a season of grappling right now. A season that I thought was over that I believe God allowed to be extended.  (Maybe more on that later.) And I'm deciding to live into that grappling. To let it be on purpose. To pray for dross to be consumed and gold to be refined in this time I didn't expect and didn't want. To jump in the deep, to let go and forget that I can't walk on water so that I can remember that I can. 

He's Always Been Faithful

The story of God's faithfulness in my life is a long one with many facets. 

From grandparents who prayed for me and modeled loving, compassionate Christian lives, to parents who walked with me through all my bratty stages and talked me through all my teenage drama and questions about God and the world, to the love and laughter of my beautiful sisters.

From sitting in wooden pews soaked in Scripture-filled liturgy and steeped in God's word and grace, to the love of sweet family and friends at Parkway, to finding community and Christ's body in the Rivergate skate center at Well House. 

From growing up a "smart kid" with beloved teachers at Parrottsville, to band and best friends and teachers who still inspire me at CCHS, to the winding oak leaf pathways of Vanderbilt and the passion of Peabody, and finally to the halls I love the most, the halls of Shafer Middle School, where I couldn't be happier to be Mrs. Coleman, surrounded by awkwardness and braces and puberty-induced bewilderment and insanity, doing a job that I love with people I love. 

From crushes and prom dates with sweet high school boys, to life lessons learned with my first boyfriend at the age of 18, to the unbelievable and undeserved love of the incredible boy who would become my amazing husband. 

From being uncertain about church and God as a confused little 11-year-old, to Confirmation and realizing I needed God's grace and that He extended it to me!, to high school well-meaning piety and passion, to college growing pains and dorm room small groups, to the next big crisis or two or three, to deeper and deeper levels of love and certainty and gratitude. 

He's always been faithful. When I've been confused, when I've been sinful, when I've rebelled, when I've doubted, when I've been happy, when I've been sad, when I've made idols of everything from my husband to my achievements to my job, when I've been angry, when I've been distracted, when I've kept Him on a back burner, when I've needed Him most– in all things, in all places, in all ways, He has always been faithful. 

Great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me

Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God's hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me

I can't remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can't remember one single regret
In serving God only, and trusting His hand
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me

This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I've heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful, He's always been faithful
He's always been faithful to me

Sara Groves and Soren Kierkegaard... Prayer, Silence, and the Kingdom of God

As these things often go, one thing has led to another all morning... well, afternoon, since my day started at about 12:30 today. 

First, some meandering attempts at prayer in my prayer journal, set to Sara Groves music in the background. Starting, of course, with "How Is It Between Us" because that is, after all, the constant story of my life. 

Then, an impulse to try to blog. A desire to blog through Sara Groves songs because she says everything for me. 

Consequently, then it's on to YouTube to look for links to songs... then watching Sara Groves videos, and then a click on what I thought was a video of a song  but was really an hour-long documentary about Sara Groves, her music, and two trips– one to deliver supplies in Louisiana in the wake of Katrina and one to Rwanda to learn more about its horrific genocide. There are so many beautiful parts to the documentary, so many convictions and questions and inspirations to discuss, but I'll start with one. 

In one segment, Sara paraphrases from Kierkegaard, a passage where he talks about seeking first the kingdom of God, a topic I've often pondered.  (One example: His Kingdom, not this world.)

I wanted to read Kierkegaard's exact comments, and I found this translation, thanks to the wonder of the Internet: 

"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness."

But what does this mean? What am I to do? What kind of striving is it of which it can be said that it seeks or desires the kingdom of God? Ought I to get a position corresponding to my abilities and powers in order to bring this about? No, you are first to seek the kingdom of God. Ought I, then, to give all my fortune to the poor? No, you are first to seek the kingdom of God. But does this, then, mean that, in a sense, there is nothing for me to do? Quite right—there is, in a sense, nothing. In the very deepest sense, you are to make yourself nothing, to become nothing before God, and learn to keep silent—and it is in this silence that you begin to seek what must come first: the kingdom of God.

Thus, in a godly way, one goes in a certain sense backward, toward the beginning …. The beginning is this art of becoming silent, for there is no art in being silent in the way that nature is silent. And to be thus, in the deepest sense, silent, silent before God, is how one begins to learn the fear of God. For just as the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom, silence is the beginning of the fear of God. And just as the fear of God is more than the beginning of wisdom, since it is "wisdom" itself, so, too, is silence more than the beginning of the fear of God—it is "the fear of God." In this silence, in the fear of God, wishing, desire, and their many thoughts fall silent. In this silence, in the fear of God, the verbosity of thanksgiving falls silent.

Human beings' superiority over animals consists in being able to talk, but in relation to God this can bring about their ruin if, being able to talk, they want to talk. God is in heaven, and we are on earth, and therefore we cannot easily talk together. God is love, and human beings—as one says to a child and maybe even for its benefit—are little rascals, and therefore they cannot easily talk together. It is only with much fear and trembling that human beings can talk with God, in much fear and trembling. But to talk in much fear and trembling is also difficult for other reasons, for just as anxiety causes one to be physically unable to speak, so, too, does much fear and trembling make speech become dumb and fall silent.

The person who knows how to pray knows this, and those who don't know how to pray might perhaps learn this by praying …. Praying is not listening to oneself speak but is about becoming silent and, in becoming silent, waiting, until the one who prays hears God.

Source: Christianity Today

"In the very deepest sense, you are to make yourself nothing, to become nothing before God, and learn to keep silent—and it is in this silence that you begin to seek what must come first: the kingdom of God."

"The person who knows how to pray knows this, and those who don't know how to pray might perhaps learn this by praying …. Praying is not listening to oneself speak but is about becoming silent and, in becoming silent, waiting, until the one who prays hears God."

And, so, now, here I am reeling. I just want to know what God sounds like. I just want to be silent. I just want to hear Him. I just want to know it's Him I'm hearing.  I want to know His kingdom, to seek it, to live it. Desperately. 

The more I know of Jesus, the more I just want to tell everyone who He is and what He has done in my life. I'm at such a loss for how to start, how to be authentic, how not to scare people away... but I just want to shout it! I just want days gathered in circles with Bibles and coffee cups with everyone I love, everyone I know, so there's plenty of time to unravel all the pieces of all of our stories and see how Jesus reveals Himself in them... I just want to share the light that Jesus keeps shining bigger and brighter and warmer into my darkness every day. 

Thinking about that this morning, I've combed back through this old blog. I can hardly believe how long the path from 2010 to 2015 truly is. In some ways, it feels that God has brought me miles and miles up a mountain in a miraculously short amount of time. In other ways, it seems that I have spent more years in the same place of searching than I would have thought. To look at posts that speak so clearly of what I feel I'm still learning and speak thoughts it seems were new to me just the other day and see them dated 2011 or 2012 is staggering. How can I have been processing this for so long and just now be emerging with a little more clarity? Regardless of whether this has been fast or slow– God's timing is something entirely different anyway– I am grateful. Unspeakably grateful. Oh, how He loves. Oh, how He loves. 

And through it all, whatever questions, doubts, trials may come, it all comes down to this, each statement a link to a previous post, the present moment linked to a moment of the journey frozen in words:

I question the meaning of life, as much a skeptic as anyone, but again and again I find I just can't believe that life is pointless.

I can't help but believe that God exists and is evident in our world.

It just seems to me that all of humanity, all of our literature and dreams, hint at our groping for Him.

And the truth is, I need God. I need Jesus. Not religion. Not to be right. I need nothing less than salvation.

There's a jagged tale I feel I just have to tell, of how I was broken and how He makes me whole.

Thank you, Lord Jesus. 

A Good, Good Father

"Good Good Father" by Housefires

I wanted to post a status on Facebook about this song, a new favorite on my playlists and a regular at Well House North, the church I've been attending lately (more on that topic later too, maybe). But I think I have too much on my heart for a status, so I think I'll try to get it out right here. 

Let's go bit by bit...

Oh, I've heard a thousand stories

Of what they think You're like.

But I've heard the tender whisper

Of love in the dead of night.

And You tell me that You're pleased 

And that I'm never alone.

• I didn't think about it when I was singing this song this morning, but this first verse is a good complement to the book I started today, Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby, which, so far has said to me that there's head knowledge, and then there's heart knowledge, and knowing God has to include heart knowledge. Our world, our history, our libraries, and our Facebook feeds are filled to the brim with the thousands of stories of what people think God is like and what they think He wants from us. Sometimes it's still unsettling to me that there are so many ways to think about God, so many ways to choose to live life, believing or not believing in a creator of any kind. There's always that whisper, "How do you know what you believe is true?" There's always that old John Mayer refrain this blog and I know so well, "Am I living it right?" Lately, though, God keeps giving me more and more freedom from these questions. His tender whisper of love keeps getting louder, keeps getting more persistent, and is drowning the rest of it out. It's amazing to look back upon the past 16-18 years and think that the first time I remember really hearing those whispers was as a young pre-teen nightmare, back when I spent most of my time filling my parents and grandparents with fear of what was going on with me and filling my pillowcase with tears. Back then, it really was probably in the dead of the night, crumpled over gel-penned diary pages and that dear, old Teen Study Bible, that I heard Him whispering. As kids at school and my own fearful and introverted perceptions of myself told me I was an ugly and undesirable nerd, the whispers were telling me that I was fearfully and wonderfully made.  My Papaw wrote in a card that I resented at the time and see as a foundational moment in my faith now, "God doesn't make junk." In that card was just one of God's whispers, and even when I was fighting them, they started telling me then and keep telling me now that I am loved, not just by my wonderful worldly family but my heavenly Father too. The whispers say even today, this morning at Well House, that I am made in His image.* There are stories of theories and theology, and then there are stories of what God has really done in my life, stories that echo His whispers and tell me that I  am truly never alone, whispers that assure me that He Is, that He Is good, and that I am His, in short– 

You're a good, good Father.

It's who You are, it's who You are, it's who You are.

And I'm loved by You.

It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am.      

 Oh, and I've seen many searching 

For answers far and wide.

But I know we're all searching

For answers only You provide.

Because You know just what we need

Before we even say a word.

• The more I teach, the more the world just keeps having the same conflicts and imperfections and injustices over and over again, the more I watch the news in spite of avoiding it, and the more I read wars on Facebook, the more I see we're all broken and in need of salvation and the more I see that we all spend a whole lot of time struggling against what we think is wrong and justifying why we think we are right. The more I see of it, the more I'm convinced we're all searching for the same answers. One way to respond to that is to decide that all answers are valid since we're all just seekers. That's certainly the most popular these days. We're all about choosing our own truths. And certainly everyone can do that, and I'm for allowing that because I think freedom, in a worldly sense, requires that. But I personally am not satisfied with worldly freedom. I want freedom and peace beyond what this world can provide, and I am more convinced with every book of the Bible I read or reread, every interaction I have with true brothers and sisters in Christ, every whisper God continues to whisper, that He is the one and only answer to all of our questions and searching. Through all my revisions and re-revisions, through all of my quarter- and third- life crises of identity, this remains true–

You're a good, good Father.

It's who You are, it's who You are, it's who You are.

And I'm loved by You.

It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am.  

Because You are perfect in all of Your ways! 

You are perfect in all of Your ways!

You are perfect in all of Your ways to us!

•  I want so much to be perfect. In fact, it's pretty much a defining statement of who I am and always have been. Much of my pre-teen misery stemmed from wanting to be perfect, and some of my most important crises of faith have centered on my frustration that I am not made with the capability to be perfect. There was even a time when I thought that maybe I didn't want a God who would hold me accountable for perfection while not making it attainable to me. Except, praise God, I finally realized, that perfection is only unattainable to me in my own power. God is perfect. And Christ will work to perfect me through His Holy Spirit, just as He is perfect. I always knew this in head knowledge, I guess. But, when it finally became heart knowledge, it set me free of so much frustration, so much resentment against my God, whom I should only love, and so much false trust in my self. Again, in this, there is a popular worldly solution– believing that I'm perfect just the way I am and am in no need of change. But I know deep down that isn't true, and it just never satisfies. There is perfection, and it is God who is perfect. When I understand and when I don't, He is perfect. And there is so much joyful freedom in proclaiming it.    

Oh, it's love so undeniable, 

I can hardly speak. 

Peace so unexplainable

I can hardly think.

As You call me deeper still,

As You call me deeper still,

As You call me deeper still,

into love, love, love ...  

• Last Sunday, the prayers on my heart all had to do with water and depth– wanting the faith to get out of the boat and walk on the water to my Lord. This song connects here too. Deeper still. Deeper still. The wonder and love of God are so great, growing greater in my feeble eyes every year, and I just want to go, to be, to live deeper still in His love. 

* It's heart-stoppingly striking to think about the implications of all of this in the middle school world around which my universe revolves. One, these children who fill my days, thoughts, and conversations are made in the image of God. God is well pleased with them and loves them and is their Father.  Do I look at them as if they are bearers of the image of my Creator and Savior? Do I love them as if they are? Do I love them as Jesus does? Two, I was right around their age when I first began to hear His whispers telling me that about myself. Have I opened myself up, have I trusted God to use me as an instrument for those life-giving whispers in the lives of these precious little image-bearers? (Perhaps more on this later, too.) In the meantime, my constant prayer must be– Lord, help me! 

A Long Silence

I've never been a very consistent blogger, but I've been almost nonexistent on this page for way too long now. As the school year draws to a close, maybe I can start writing and posting again. There's certainly been a lot on my mind... 

She Reads Truth– Longing for the Word

I have to share because I am so excited! I became hooked on She Reads Truth, a daily devotional app, during Advent, and I can't wait to continue with it in the new year. I was already anxious for January 1 for the study of the Gospel of John to begin, and this morning, I awoke to this announcement that She Reads Truth is unrolling a read-the-Bible-in-a-year plan on January 1 as well (and they hinted that a study of Esther, the first book of the Bible that gripped me as a little girl, might be the next study!).  

Before I launch into the meandering musing that is me and this blog, forgetting about any audience besides myself, let me get to the main points so you can stop here if you're just interested in the Facebook tagline for this post: 

• She Reads Truth is a great devotional app. You can read all of the plans for free on the website, and you can download the app for free on your phone. Some plans are free on the phone as well, and some cost a very small amount–barely more than a song on iTunes– and I have found the $2 very much worth the convenience of being able to read the Bible and devotional on my phone during times I would have normally wasted on Facebook or Instagram. Most mornings, I read the day's Scripture and commentary on my phone while I blow-dry my hair. I don't mean to sound like the Bible isn't worth reading when it isn't convenient or like I'm advocating it being reduced to something to turn to when you're bored... just that it's great to have it right there with me all the time and that for me it's a welcome, much more fulfilling replacement to Facebook scrolling, what I used to do to begin my day.
• I am going to continue with She Reads Truth this year, reading both whatever plan is current (John, starting in January) and the read-the-Bible-in-a-year plan. Each day's reading is not very long, but they are all wonderful, and my hope is that committing to the small bit of Scripture on my phone every morning will help me re-prioritize and will whet my appetite even more to turn to more Scripture and to Jesus throughout the day. 
• I hope others will join me! Earlier this year, I asked on Facebook if anyone would be interested in studying the Bible together, and a few people showed some interest, though everyone of course had the caveat of being very busy. I hear you, friends. Me too. What I'm thinking, though, is that the She Reads Truth plans could be perfect for some of us who want to study together. We can all read these daily Scriptures and devotionals to keep us on track no matter how often or not we are able to meet. Maybe we could all start reading John together in January (If you start later, it's easy to catch up!), and when school starts back, we could work out a schedule to meet for dinner or coffee or at school one afternoon or at someone's house to talk about what we've experienced reading. She Reads Truth also has a comments section after every reading where people share in an online Bible study of sorts. We could use that feature or a text or email thread of our own to participate together on days we have thoughts or questions or concerns to share with one another between meetings. Even people who can't meet in person at all or can't meet consistently could still be a part that way! 
• Here's a link to She Reads Truth and a link to the announcement about the Bible-in-a-year-plan: 
• She Reads Truth
• 365 Days of Truth

I love that my "short" version above turned out be so long-winded. Ah well. Now... back to my heart... read on if you want... 

I constantly struggle with actually reading the Bible. It is something I honestly love to do... when I do it. I could put reading the Bible on the same list with blogging, journaling, writing, praying, calling my friends and grandparents more, exercising, and reading any book that I haven't assigned myself as homework because it's essential to a lesson plan... These are the many things that I usually do not do that I need to do, not out of any sense of guilt or legalism, not to fulfill any sort of ideal of what kind of person I should be, not to meet some cliche list of New Year's resolutions, but because I want to, because I need to, because they are nourishing to who I am...

Why do I consistently not do such essential things?  Because I am "busy." Read that as– because I don't prioritize well, because I am obsessed with being some kind of super freak of a teacher or something, because my days revolve around lesson plans and grades instead of Jesus.  Really, what I should say there is that my days revolve around me instead of Jesus. And that is not only sad and energy-sapping, it is sin. 

That's not to equate exercise or blogging or even my grandparents with Jesus (though I certainly have seen Jesus and learned so much about Him from my grandparents!), but it is to say that I know that I don't turn to Jesus consistently throughout my day, that I don't look to Him for prioritizing my time and my to-do lists. So many things that never make the top-cut on my to-do list are the very things that help me focus on Jesus. The lack of Scripture and prayer, the lack of connection in relationships, and for me because of how I was made, the lack of journaling and writing are all evidence of a lack of awareness of Jesus in my day. When I am in Him, when I trust Him with my time and my days, those are the things I am drawn into, the ways I see Him expressed and the ways I express Him in my life. 

I keep returning to this passage, Jesus speaking in Matthew 6:25-33 (ESV) when I reflect on these things– 

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on [nor what you will teach at school next week nor how you will find time to grade it]. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all the things will be added to you." 

Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. 
Seek first the kingdom.
Seek first God.
Seek first righteousness. 
First.
Seek FIRST. 

Seeking something so huge and so wonderful as the kingdom of God and His righteousness is much more than reading a devotional on a Bible app. I'm not pretending I'm anywhere close... but it's a step, it's a start... and I'm praying for a reworking of my priorities and my time and my heart today, this new year, and everyday. 

Come, Lord Jesus. 

Finally, one of my favorite Sara Groves songs and some of John 1 (ESV), one of my favorite chapters of the Bible: 

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. 

There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. He came as witness to bear witness about the light, that all might believe through him. He was not the light, but came to bear witness about the light.

The true light, which gives light to everyone, was coming into the world. He was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world did not know him. He came to his own, and his own people did not receive him. But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God. 

And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. (John bore witness about him, and cried out, "This was he of whom I said, 'He who comes after me ranks before me, because he was before me.'") For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God; the only God, who is at the Father's side, he has made him known.

Reading, Tea Drinking, Napping, Reading, Writing

These are a few of my favorite things. 

I started a new blog post about these things because I thought I might have something insightful to say about them, but I don't think I do...

Just that sometimes they're better than grading papers and checking things off to-do lists. 

That sometimes it's okay to have a sneak peek of summer. 

And that more people should have the benefit that teachers do of taking a couple months to reconnect to the important things, like for me– reading, tea drinking, napping, reading, and writing. 

And that everyone should take more time for the things that make them them. 

Even now, there is a nagging voice inside that says, "Grade papers..." Read that in the voice of a cartoon ghost. "Graaaaaade paaaaaapers!" And there is a voice that says I should have read something more worthwhile than a Sherlock Holmes novel. Oh you know, like the Bible, which I absolutely do not read enough. 

And there is conditioned guilt over napping (not enough to stop my habits but enough to ruin the pleasure in them). Why did I have to fall asleep while reading even if it was just for an hour or less? I should have done something... like cleaned the bathroom. Sorry, husband, that our house is such a mess. 

What is it with all this over-examining? 

Jason borrows a line from Seinfeld, "Stuff your sorries in a sack!" and asks why I say I'm sorry all the time and tells me to stop being sorry... even if I should be sorry for letting my chores go undone while he always does his self-imposed chores perfectly and on time.... but there I am being sorry again. 

The point is, I find so many things to regret. Even a glorious afternoon of doing whatever the heck I want gets sullied by the endless coulda-woulda-shouldas in my head. 

"Am I living it right?" playing incessantly even on the small things. "Why, Georgia, why?"

Why sorry?
Why unsure?
Why regretful? 

Why don't I just enjoy my book and my Sherlock obsession and my tea and my nap? 

Last summer's resolution was to love teaching. 
Here's this year's resolution– to love what I do when I do it and not question or regret or wonder. Just drink my tea and relax and smile and be happy. Or work and smile and be happy. 

At least sometimes, in the right times and seasons. 
And I think today is one of those times. 

There is nothing better for a man than to eat and drink and tell himself that his labor is good. This also I have seen that it is from the hand of God. For who can eat and who can have enjoyment without Him?  –Ecclesiastes 2:24-25

A Playlist for Christians/Teachers/Anyone Part 3: The Only Thing We Need

What's the only thing we need?

Smaller classes?

More time? 

More coffee?

Spring break?

Summer vacation?!

Yes, but no. The only thing we need is Christ. Over and over, every day, I have to say it over and over and beg God to remind me that He is my only sufficiency. These songs are great reminders.

"Beloved" by Derek Webb

This song is written as a beautiful love song from Christ. If we are to understand Song of Solomon, at least at one level, as an allegory of Christ and His love for His Church, we are the Beloved, and this song weaves together different parts of Scripture to speak what Christ might speak to His Church in this day. 

Beloved, listen to me. Don't believe all that you see. And don't you ever let anyone tell you that there's anything that you need but Me. 

Beloved, there is nothing more- no more blessings and no more rewards than the treasure of My body and blood given freely to all daughters and sons. 

I look for so many other rewards– happiness, peace, success, fulfillment– when there is nothing better than the treasure I have in Christ. How could I ever want anything else? 

"The Well" by Casting Crowns

Well, looky here, some mainstream music made the cut. :-) It's rare that a song that actually gets radio play makes it to one of my favorites playlists. I guess it's because radio songs are usually so safe and cliche, without saying very much, but this one is amazing.  It's also written from the perspective of Christ, with language that is connected to what He actually does say in Scripture and what Paul actually does write of Him. 

I love the first part:

Leave it all behind. (Repeat, repeat, repeat, because it takes constant reminders.)

I have what you need, but you keep on searching.

I've done all the work, but you keep on working. 

When you're running on empty, and you can't find the remedy,

Just come to the Well.

(Ain't that the truth? Sowing and reaping the whirlwind, that's me. Thirsting when Living Water is so easily attainable... We can just go to the Well!)

I also love the list of things to leave behind in the last part: 

your pursuit of perfection (ding, ding, ding, Natalie Coleman!)

your fear of rejection

your temporary pleasures

all of your earthly treasures

dried up, empty religion 

rusty chains of addiction

all the guilt that weighs you down

Jesus said that His burden was light. He told the woman at Jacob's well that He could give her water that would make her never thirst again. 

He extends the same invitation to each of us.

So, I put down the papers to grade, put down the heavy tote bag, the gigantic crate... put down my hope in making my own life valuable through my work, put down my dependence on the opinions others have of me, put down my attempts at self reliance, put down my trust in earthly things... 

And go to the well, knowing Jesus is all I need, all that matters. 

Facebook Reflection Part 2

As I've continued to think about my post about Facebook yesterday and about my obsessive relationship to Facebook comments and blog posts and all writing I ever let free for public consumption, I've realized that there is a more important layer to this fixation I have on any conversation I start on Facebook or any post I put on my blog.

This fixation, this fascination with every comment on every post is the writer in me trying to tell it all correctly, trying to make sure everything written is just as it should be and to add and amend if it isn't. 

When I am writing, when I am writing anything, even a Facebook status, I am exercising this voice my writing gives me. I am trying out these words I like to taste and measure and place in just the right places. More, I am stating my position, staking my claim in the dialogue, and I want whatever I say to be right, to be true, to be insightful. 

Perhaps that seems arrogant. I am a bit arrogant after all. Anyone who writes and releases it for others to read has to be a little bit, right? How could you think anyone would care what you have to say if you didn't have at least enough arrogance to think, "Someone might want to read this or care what it says...."? 

Anyway, what I'm really getting at here, in this post that would be better suited for a journal than a post because I don't know what I'm saying yet and am just discovering it as I'm saying it... what I'm really getting at here is that there's a part of me that thinks I have some things worth saying. 

About education and how it's legislated.
About  the craft, the art, the sacrifice, the beautiful torture of teaching and about making it matter for students.
About myself and who I am and why, and I think that can extend to others–
About people and why they do what they do and how some things should be done differently.
About books and songs and beauty. 
About life and why and how I want to live it. 
About spirituality and the Bible and the body of Christ. 

Now, I'm not arrogant enough to say I have all or any of the answers about those things– just that I have some things I want to say. 

And I keep thinking that maybe I'm missing opportunities I should be seizing to make my voice heard, especially when it comes to education and to Christianity– the two great fascinations of my life. I'm realizing that God, Christ, Spirit should be the one and only great fascination, so maybe I've said that wrong, but, for better or for worse, as I'm still in progress, there are no conversations that wrap me up as intensely as those about education and about this life of trying to follow Jesus and what it is and what it should be. 

And I just want to talk about those things, write about those things, share those things, hash out those things, edify and be edified in those things. I want comments sections– while I fear them and fret over them so much that I find myself considering a Facebook detox– I want comments sections to be a place where truth is found together, where everyone works together with their different perspectives to find the truth that incorporates and enlightens them all. I am weird. And such an English teacher. 

Anyway, I need to stop this ramble and just post it because why not?  

This is just here to remind me, when I forget, as I keep ignoring this part of me, as I keep keeping writing as a way to survive my own life instead of nurturing it into something that could matter... could it matter?... this is is just here to remind me and to admit to myself and my readers, my friends... there is a part of me that thinks I should be speaking up, using my words as a way to share truth and Truth. 

But maybe not. 
Stay tuned. 

Facebook: A Confession and Reflection

Confession: I think I have a problem with Facebook.

It is always a part of my day, while many things infinitely more important (the Bible, prayers, phone calls home, just to name a few) don't always make the cut in my "busy life."  I know that I spend too much time on it. I know that I check the app on my phone too compulsively, not because there's anything I care to see but because those red update numbers are there (or even aren't) and because it's just what I do if there's an empty moment, no matter how short. I know that I use it to procrastinate, getting lost on it when I'm tired because it's easier to keep scrolling and clicking than to get off the couch or do whatever work I'm putting off. I also know that I am too apt to get up in arms about something I see posted, too likely to post something myself that might get others up in arms,  too tempted to make comments when I should probably stay social-network-silent, too prone to spend too much time thinking about whatever article or comment or conversation that's caught my attention, too easily distracted by thoughts about what I've contributed, worrying about others'  reactions– possible disagreements, misunderstandings, whatever.

I've gotten better about not jumping into Facebook debates too rashly, though I still have my share of contentious conversations  when I should probably just limit my Facebook interactions to things like "How fun!" and "What a cute baby!" and just let it be what it's supposed to be– social.

But here's where Facebook and my relationship with it lead to a reflection of who I am– I'm not very good at anything purely social, not good at relationships that stay at the "What a cute baby!" level (though I am all about my friends' cute babies). There's only so long I can have a relationship that doesn't go further. I am really more into relationships and conversations that go a bit deeper, at least some/most of the time. 

Don't get me wrong– I'm plenty superficial on Facebook. I love Facebook as an outlet for whatever obsession I feel compelled to share at the time– Dolly Parton movies, new John Mayer albums, articles about Taylor Swift, updates from my husband's music page, books I'm reading, songs I can't quit playing on repeat, pictures of my husband and me or my sisters and me. And I love seeing the same kinds of posts from my friends. They represent the first basic exchange of information in relationships– interests, hobbies, things you love, what's going on in your life. I can use Facebook for that purpose ad nauseam. (I mean, if you don't want to know how many weeks, days, and hours until the new John Mayer album or read lyrics from the new album for a week after it comes out, you need to hide me from your newsfeed. I know I'm obnoxious. Sorry, but I've gotta let it out somehow, or I would explode. It's a Neas family characteristic to be obsessive and to insist on sharing the ecstasy of the obsession, even with people who neither get it nor care, and it's not a gene I want to fight.) 

I love this aspect of relationship, and I love when Facebook makes it possible to know this first layer of people better... through photos of vacations and babies, lyrics and quotations in statuses, shared articles and videos, all that typical newsfeed stuff. 

But I love the next layer of relationship even more– the part where you share beyond your interests and characteristics into your thoughts, your beliefs, your opinions– what you think of life and the world and why. These are the conversations I like to have with best friends and with new friends, and so I do tend to try to push Facebook to that level... and maybe that's just not a good idea. Thoughts and beliefs and opinions turn too much into politics, and maybe Facebook isn't the place– too many people who could be hurt or offended, too many people who could misunderstand, too many people involved. And, if nothing else, maybe it's just not worth the time it takes to engage in these kinds of conversations over a social network.

It's definitely not worth the time I get sucked in reading things that don't contribute to relationships at all, at any level.  

I try to focus my newsfeed and my attention to my closest friends. I try (largely unsuccessfully) to resist the urge to follow ads to online shopping websites or to click on viral videos it doesn't really matter if I ever see or not. I follow NPR and TIME, trying to make my incessant newsfeed scrolling worth something a little more, but I find I still tend to click on dumb popular culture articles more than anything newsworthy or important, even from these sources. 

There is always the inevitable stupor and waste of time.

So maybe I should say goodbye to Facebook, sign off, or at least limit myself, cut my time on it down to next to nothing, take that time for face-to-face relationships, for phone calls, for reading and for prayer. 

Hmmm... do I think so? Am I willing? I'm still working it out, but perhaps I will disappear soon. It might at least be worth the experiment. 

I Wish I Could Blog and Drive... Again

I've written before about the hazy clarity of a long drive here... so many thoughts, prayers, songs, so many ideas, a mind that is full and quiet at the same time. It's the perfect mood for writing, but it never lasts until I can finally sit and try to put it all in writing. 

I should have made voice memos of my thoughts, I guess. Or I should have at least sat down to write as soon as I got home instead of turning on the TV and painting my nails. (At the time, I thought the manicure needed to happen before the writing because long nails get on my nerves when I'm trying to type, and I had no idea that I'd find Steel Magnolias on TV and find it impossible not to keep watching my all-time favorite.)

So, I'll just sit here and enjoy the feeling of short nails and the look of fresh polish on the keys and smile at every favorite line of my favorite movie and look forward to my sweet Sweetheart coming home for dinner very soon.

I'd be a better writer (and teacher, wife, person...) if I were more disciplined and less prone to whims (like manicures and Magnolias), but I do remember that one of my recurring reflections on my drive had to do with loving life as it is and gratitude for how wonderful each day truly is. And I think just simply being happy is a good way to celebrate that. 

A Playlist for Christians/Teachers/Anyone Part 2: Restless

I hate Sundays. 

or

Sundays make my stomach hurt.

or

Sundays should be for nothing but sleep. 


I have been drafting the first line of this post in my head all day.  They are more terse than my usual sentence style. Straight to the point– 

Sundays suck. 

or maybe a little longer, typical Natalie sentence, overpacked with repetition and alliteration, would be better–

I wake up on Sunday with heavy eyelids, a heavy head, and a heavy heart, and the feeling lasts all the way through Monday morning. 

I know that I am not alone in this. I don't even think it's unique to teachers. I think everyone who goes to work on Mondays feels it, though teachers do seem to talk about it more, maybe because there's so much more at-home-weekend-work needed to prepare for Monday in our job than with an average 9-to-5. It's not just Monday that's looming but also the stack of papers to grade, lessons to plan, and lunches to pack that stand in the way of even getting to Monday. One of my best friends, who is also a teacher, jokes that she wants to become Seventh-day Adventist so that her Sabbath won't be sullied by that Sunday teacher feeling anyone who teaches, anyone who works instead of rests on the weekend, knows. I have also often wished for a Saturday Sabbath, but probably my problem is that I don't really have a Sabbath at all. 

It is truly fitting that the next song in my playlist, the order of which I wrestled with and settled on at the beginning of last week, is "Restless" by Audrey Assad. 

The song starts at about 5:35, but I think the beginning is worth listening to, too. 

I have nothing to say worth being said, no answer to the Sunday conundrum, no antidote to its sinking, in the pit of the stomach sickness or dread. And, worst of all, to steal Audrey Assad's beautiful words from the clip, I have no "spiritual bandaid for the great gaping hole in between my theology and my practice." Instead, I am still someone who believes that Christ is sufficient and that His Kingdom is first but lives like so much more is needed and gives priority to so much else. I will spend a half hour or so from now listening to music, reading Scripture, writing what's in my heart, and then I will click publish, and– wretched sinner that I am, without the faith not to worry about tomorrow and without the obedience to honor this sabbath day set aside to God– I will go fix dinner and then settle in for a night of grading papers, planning lessons, putting away laundry, and putting off cleaning the bathroom, 

I won't pretend a blog post or a single prayer will change it, but I will acknowledge that the only true rest is in Christ and that the only pursuit that is worthy is the seeking of His Kingdom, and I will conclude with God's Word, with a verse or two from today's sermon and several from a quick concordance search of the word Sabbath, praying for God's Spirit to speak them in me and speak a new heart in me that begins to beat more in sync with the Father. 

Lord, may Your Words at least remind me, as I defile this Sabbath as far as work is concerned, that my heart, my hope, my confidence all rest in You and You alone. You never strictly obeyed Sabbath's rules when you walked this earth, and maybe a rest of the heart is what You truly desire. I don't have that always either, Lord, but I pray for it and have it now, if even for a moment. 

Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a sabbath of the Lord your God; in it you shall not do any work, you or your son or your daughter, your male or your female servant or your cattle or your sojourner who stays with you. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day; therefore the Lord blessed the sabbath day and made it holy. Exodus 20:8-11

You shall not make for yourselves idols, nor shall you set up for yourselves an image or a sacred pillar, nor shall you place a figured stone in your land to bow down to it; for I am the Lord your God. You shall keep My sabbaths and reverence My sanctuary; I am the Lord.  Leviticus 26:1-2

You shall remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt, and the Lord your God brought you out of there by a mighty hand and by an outstretched arm; therefore the Lord your God commanded you to observe the Sabbath day. Deuteronomy 5:12

If because of the sabbath, you turn your foot from doing your own pleasure on My holy day, and call the sabbath a delight, the holy day of the Lord honorable, and honor it desisting from your own ways, from seeking your own pleasure and speaking your own word, then you will take delight in the Lord, and I will make you ride on the heights of the earth; and I will feed you with the heritage of Jacob your father, from the mouth of the Lord has spoken. Isaiah 58:13-14

I gave them My statutes and informed them of My ordinances, by which, if a man observes them, he will live. Also, I gave them My sabbaths to be a sign between Me and them, that they might know that I am the Lord who sanctifies them. Ezekiel 20:11-12

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6: 33-34 

But I say to you that something greater than the temple is here. But if you had known what this means, 'I desire compassion and not sacrifice,' you would not have condemned the innocent. For the Son of Man is Lord of the Sabbath. Matthew 12:6-8

Jesus said to them, 'The Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath. So the Son of Man is Lord even of the Sabbath." Mark 2:27-28

Therefore, let us fear if, while a promise remains of entering His rest, any one of you may seem to have come short of it. For indeed we have had good news preached to us, just as they also; but the word they heard did not profit them, because it was not united by faith in those who heard. For we who have believed enter that rest, just as He has said, 'As I swore in My wrath, they shall not enter My rest,' although His works were finished from the foundation of the world. For He has said somewhere concerning the seventh day: 'And God rested on the seventh day from all His works'; and again in this passage, 'They shall not enter My rest.' Therefore, since it remains for some to enter it, and those who formerly had good news preached to them failed to enter because of disobedience, He again fixes a certain day, 'Today,' saying through David after so long a time just as has been said before, 'Today if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts.' For if Joshua had given them rest, He would not have spoken of another day after that. So there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God. For one who has entered His rest has himself also rested from his works, as God did from His. Therefore let us be diligent to enter that rest, so that no one will fall, through following the same example of disobedience. For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do. Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore, let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4